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Top 20 Funny Quotes

Quotes selected by readers of Jokes2Go.com and organized by rating.

1.
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When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.

                                       - Mae West

2.
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Confucious say: "Man who walk through 
airport door sideways is going to 
Bangkok."

3.
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I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

4.
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"Sex is like a joke, some people get it and some don't" 

Sent by Mindi


5.
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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.  We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

                                                 -Rita Rudner

6.
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A good discussion is like a miniskirt: 
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.


7.
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

8.
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Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. 

9.
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Confucious say: "Man who runs in front 
of car will soon get tired."

OR

"Man who run in back of car gets exhausted."



10.
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Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.

11.
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"Procrastinate Now!"

12.
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"In Russia we only had two TV channels.
Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two
consisted of a KGB officer telling you:
Turn back at once to Channel One." 

Yakov Smirnoff. 

13.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station .... what more can I say..........


14.
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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

15.
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"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep!

16.
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Hard work never killed anybody, 
but why take the chance? 
                            --Edgar Bergen


The quotes continue below

 


17.
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Today's standards of performance are 
yesterday's standards of excellence and 
tomorrow's standards of mediocrity.


Sent by Paul

18.
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"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

19.
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra


20.
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Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations
and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.


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