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Main Archives Stories Category: Miscellaneous

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1
Email Friend
 
                             $250 Cookie Recipe
     
   
This message is sent to you with the hope you will forward it to EVERYONE
you have ever even seen the e-mail address of.   In the spirit of the
originator, please feel free to post it anywhere and everywhere.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

     Okay, everyone... a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A.
Thought y'all might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet
justice, if it can be called that.

     My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in
Dallas & decided to have a small dessert.   Because our family are such
cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie".   It was so
excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and they said with a
small frown, "I'm afraid not."   Well, I said, would you let me buy the
recipe?  With a cute smile, she said, "Yes."   I asked how much, and she
responded, "Two fifty."  I said with approval, just add it to my tab.
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it
was $285.00.  I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for
two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf.  As I glanced at the bottom of the
statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00."   Boy, was I upset!!   I
called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was
"two fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a cookie recipe.
I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill, and they said
they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not
just everyone could duplicate any of our bakery recipes....the bill would
stand.

     I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of
my money back.

     I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have
250.00 worth of fun."  I told her that I was going to see to it that every
cookie lover will have a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for
nothing.  She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this."  I said, "I'm sorry
but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will.

     So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few
copies....I paid for it; now you can have it for free.

                         (Recipe may be halved.):
           2  cups butter                     4  cups flower
           2  tsp. soda                        2  cups sugar
           5  cups blended oatmeal**         24 oz. chocolate chips
           2  cups brown sugar                1  tsp. salt
           1  8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)      4  eggs
           2  tsp. baking powder          3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
           2  tsp. vanilla

             ** measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
              Cream the butter and both sugars.  Add eggs and vanilla;
              mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and
              soda.  Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts.  Roll into
              balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.  Bake
              for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.  Makes 112 cookies.

             Have fun!!!  This is not a joke --- this is a true story.
  


2
Email Friend
 
Brian received a phone call:
  "HI, I'm phoning on behalf of the ????? Children's Workshop 
where we can help you with special offers, ....etc"
  I interrupted her and informed her that I didn't have any 
children.
  "Do you have any grandchildren???", she then asked.

3
Email Friend
 
Sam told me about the accident he was trying to find out 
about: 
Me:  So I heard about some car accident this morning.
Friend:  Yeah, it was Sam, he got hit by a car on the way to 
school. 
Me:  Oh my God, is he alright?
Friend:  I don't think so, they took him to the hospital.
Me:  ICU?  (intensive care unit)
Friend (quite serious):  I see you too, but this is no time to play 
peekaboo.

4
Email Friend
 
OMNI Magazine Contest



 These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:

 Grand Prize Winner:

 When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
 when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
 side facing down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the
 back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
 the ground.  With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
 monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 Runners-up:

 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
 of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
 at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
 produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

 Why Yawning Is Contagious:  You yawn to equalize the
 pressure on your eardrums.  This pressure change outside
 your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
 they must yawn to even it out.

 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
 because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
 acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
 Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
 arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
 trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

 Honorable Mentions:

 Birds take off at sunrise.  On the opposite side of the
 world, they are landing at sunset.  This causes the earth to
 spin on its axis.

 The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is
 that it's easier to go faster when you're always going
 downhill.

 The quantity of consonants in the English language is
 constant.  If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
 When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
 southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
 "erl wells."



5
Email Friend
 
When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people 
began rushing for the exits, one patron shouted: "Quick! There 
are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

6
Email Friend
 
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under
the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not
wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the
form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to
present these to their banks. The name of the company, 'The Anal
Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'

  

7
Email Friend
 
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's 
Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's 
problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two 
bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, 
sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a 
dime. 

He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one 
side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They 
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. 
Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

8
Email Friend
 
Allen was in a store that was playing Steve Miller's "Jet Liner".  
He said there was some kid next to him that had the lyrics
completely screwed up and was singing, "Big Old Rat Had A
Light On . . ."

9
Email Friend
 
Last month, about 8,000 Elvis Presley fans flocked to 
Graceland to commemorate the 21st anniversary of his death. 
In a related item, viewership on the Home Shopping Network 
was down 50% Saturday. 

10
Email Friend
 
In an upcoming Playboy interview, Geraldo Rivera calls Barbara 
Walters "a very sexy babe" who is "profoundly sensual, very 
female being with a great body." He also says, "I'm no homo, 
but I'm not ashamed to say that I'd do Hugh Downs in a 
heartbeat." 

11
Email Friend
 
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
          weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one
          within city limits.

12
Email Friend
 
When I was in college, a colleague at WTBS (no, not the Turner
superstation, but the 14-watt campus radio station from which Turner later
bought the call letters) _swore_ that he heard an announcer say
"This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration..." 



13
Email Friend
 
Some real headlines

"Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years"
"Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Deer Kill 17,000"
"Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"

14
Email Friend
 
Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption.
Says Jay Leno, "But LA is still No. 1 if you include
recreational use. You know -- naked wrestling, Jell-O shots." 

15
Email Friend
 
Noted Dough Boy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday
of a severe yeast infection He was 71. He was buried Friday
in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of
celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the
Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours,
as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy,
describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie,
and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still,
even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children,
and... one in the oven. 


The stories continue below

 


16
Email Friend
 
The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:
"For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there is
one chopping at the roots."

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:
"For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there
are a thousand smoking the stuff. 

17
Email Friend
 
Near the Delaware Memorial Bridge tollbooth: 

    "Information Police" 

18
Email Friend
 
One of our Favorite Headlines

"Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"

19
Email Friend
 
In the 80's, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs
who claimed the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy
airport in Mt. Joy, Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend
warriors, and once a year it's used for an air show. The
authorities were notified after an estimated 10,000 people
came to the airport. They asked the people why they were out
there, and they were given the story about the stealth fighter.

The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks -- but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got
put on the air, and said that they couldn't see the thing. The
DJs replied that it was proof the technology worked.

To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth -- like a chicken
when it walks -- and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived! 

20
Email Friend
 
Some Boeing employees recently "liberated" a life raft
from one of the 747s on the company's production line.
Later, they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish
river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard helicopter
"rescued" them after homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. Not
surprisingly, they no longer work at Boeing. 

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