WASHINGTON, DC (DPI)  -- Earlier this week, the National Institute of 
Mental Health released the results of their research into the sudden 
increase of primary-school shootings.  NIMH researcher Eli Zleicherugg 
blames it all on a set of common childhood songs.  "The worst is 'Hi ho, 
hi ho, it's off to school we go, with razor blades and hand grenades,'"
Zleicherugg said at a press conference Wednesday.  "Not only does it lend 
an almost picnic tone to the concept of school violence, but at a deeper
psychological level, it bonds the idea of mass destruction to Walt 
Disney's 'Snow White.'"  Zleicherugg claims the problem is nationwide.  
"You can go into any sixth grade in the country, start singing 'Mine eyes 
have seen the glory of the burning of the school,' and watch the little 
yardapes twitch. I'm not saying that these kids are primed to explode,"  
he added.  "But if I were a teacher, I wouldn't delay in getting that 
concealed-carry permit."

In a related story, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is
investigating allegations that a rise in animal abuse is directly related 
to the "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts"  song.