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Main Archives Quotes Category: Steven Wright

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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. 
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out" 

                            -- Steven Wright

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"Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests."
                        -- Steven Wright

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What's another word for Thesaurus? 

     - Steve Wright 

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I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm
home now,but leave a message and I'll call when
I'm out.

Steven Wright

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"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked
if I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're
in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn
your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he
couldn't answer that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't
work for him then."

 - Steven Wright

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"What's another word for thesaurus?" 

Steven Wright. 

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When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter. 

- Stephen Wright

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I broke a mirror.

I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck. My lawyer says he can get me 5.

                                  - Steven Wright

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In the woods a saw a rabbit with a candle making shadows of people on a 

                                           - Steven Wright

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A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

                                    - Steven Wright

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