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	According to a new survey 60% of adults say they're aware of someone who's gone to work under the influence of drugs. Apparently the other 40% have never heard of the Dallas Cowboys. - Conan O'Brien

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	Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. - Jerry Seinfeld

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	"The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight...Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace." - Jay Leno

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	"... I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind... because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked..." -- Steven Wright

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	Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
   bank robbery has just taken place.
         Johnny Carson

* Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had
       years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet,
       make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
       -- Dave Barry

* If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
       infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
       even considering if there are men on base.
       -- Dave Barry

Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial
   service called Jump-In-The-Box.
         Wil Shriner

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could.
   It's like having a little pet for your face.
         Anita Wise