"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the
full effect of alphabet soup?" 

John Mendosa.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my 
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." 

- Lynda Montgomery

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations...

- John Mendosa

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

                                     - Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get
sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

                             - Jeff Foxworthy