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Main › Archives › Quotes › Category: Comics and Comedians
Page 1 (There are 14 pages of quotes in this category.) To go to a different page, click the page nums below.
| 1 |
| Email Friend | | | Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron.
George Carlin
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| 2 |
| Email Friend | | | Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe-Jackie Mason
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| 3 |
| Email Friend | | | * Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
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| 4 |
| Email Friend | | | You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
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| 5 |
| Email Friend | | | I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
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| 6 |
| Email Friend | | | I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
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| 7 |
| Email Friend | | | You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
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| 8 |
| Email Friend | | | I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
Thegirl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno
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| 9 |
| Email Friend | | | Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words
"large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area
altogether. Trust me.
- Tim Allen
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| 10 |
| Email Friend | | | "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don't need it." -- Bob Hope
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