"I love it! Anything gets me going really..."
                        -- Karen

"... because it hurts more when I'm going down."
                        -- Karen

"It's Benno with a black coat, dark hair and a hairy bit."
"No, this is a hairy bit."
"What about this hairy bit?"
"No, this is a stiff hairy bit."
                        -- Karen (talking about my facial hair),
                           Andrew (talking about Karen's hair),
                           me (being rude),
                           Karen (not thinking about what she's saying)

"My aunt is a zombie, from hell."
                        -- The little girl from "Not without my handbag"

"Walking the earth as a living corpse is probably in rather questionable
 taste."
                        -- The aunt from "Not without my handbag"

"Actually, an oxymoron is more along the lines of a moron with an OH+
 radical attached.  Since both morons and free radicals tend to bind
 strongly to the first interesting thing that comes along, this is a
 match made in heaven."
                        -- The Internet Oracle

"A career in mathematics is the scholastic equivalent of [the] Vietnam War."
                        -- From the sig of Jake Kesinger

"Not that big. It doesn't have to be that big, just big enough to excite
 me."
                        -- Angela

"I don't care where you take me, just take me..."
                        -- Angela (yet again)

"You have to take a lighter approach now.  Jumping up on a table in a busy
 restaurant, swinging from the ceiling fans, and screaming, 'YOU'RE ALL GONNA
 BURN IN HELL,' just scares people away."
                        -- Interview with Steven Forker, on his future role
                           as the Third Coming of Christ, in Precious the
                           Cow Magazine (from the sig of Lt. Wilkes)

"O mysterious, wondrous and downright amazing Oracle:
 How come we never see baby pigeons?"
"You do, but you only see them before they go into their cocoons and grow
 wings. Baby pigeons are usually called 'squirrels'."
                        -- Generic Supplicant, The Internet Oracle

"Tech people + pizza = Tech people"
                        -- me

"Conspiracies abound:  If everyone's against you, the reason can't _possibly_
 be that you're a fuckhead."
                        -- The Usenet Guide to Power Posting

"What are you clearing your throat for?"
"Practice."
                        -- tanya, Alasdair

"We're the best Internet provider in Adelaide... [rest of pitch removed]"
"Well we're _also_ the best Internet provider in Adelaide..."
                        -- Bruce Lim (Camtech), Simon Hackett (Internode)

"Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere."
                        -- fortune

"Does anyone want to keep the rubber maid...?"
                        -- Cathy Jenkins

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman.
If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me. 

     -Henny Youngman 

The plane was so fast that it took off from Los Angeles with
two rabbits and landed in New York with two rabbits. 

     -Joey Adams 

I knew a tattoo artist whose wife left him because he had designs on other women. 

     -Joey Adams