"Psst... hey Guido... it's all so clear to me now... I'm the Keeper of the
 Cheese... and you're the Lemon Merchant... and he KNOWS... that's why he's
 going to KILL us... and we have to get away before he sets loose the
 marmosets upon us... DON'T WORRY LITTLE MISSY!! I'LL SAVE YOU!!"
                        -- Ren, from Ren & Stimpy, "In The Army"

"So does anyone use goto in Ada?"
                        -- Dan Glastonbury

"... this bit here says 'I don't think we're in UNIX anymore Toto'..."
                        -- me

"Flooding... No really, flooding. Bring an Ark."
                        -- Topic of #darksex, set by Dorianne
                                (aka Sabrina Goodpaster)

"Hey, I bought a cool 3D Pinball game and got an operating system with it!"
                        -- Simon Hackett, referring to Win95

"Well bugger me."
"With pleasure."
                        -- Karen Peisley, Andrew Rutherford

"hey can we kiss and make up with out sodomy being involved?"
                        -- christina on #heathers

"But _all_ OS's _do_ suck. VMS sucks. Solaris sucks. SunOS sucks. MS-DOS
 doesn't qualify. Ultrix/OSF1/Digital Unix/Whatever it is this week sucks.
 HP/UX sucks. Dynix sucks. Esix sucks. CTIX sucks. Coherent sucks. SCO sucks.
 Xenix also doesn't qualify. Unicos sucks. MVS sucks. VM sucks. CMS sucks.
 NOS sucked. CP/M sucks..."
[some more additions from other people]
"TOPS-20 didn't suck bad enough, so it had to be destroyed."
                        -- miscellaneous rambling on alt.sysadmin.recovery

"I've even seen adverts for an Australian beer called 'Castlemaine F*ck'. At
 least, I assume that's what it's called - the hoarding adverts say things like
 'Australians wouldn't give a XXXX for anything else' and so on. I wonder how
 anyone brings themselves to order such a thing. ;-)"
                        -- Jo Walton, in rec.arts.sf.written (found in
                                alt.humor.best-of-usenet)

"It's amazing what can get up there. People have got foot-long zucchinis
 stuck up there."
"Well that's why you use barbeque tongs..."
                        -- Andrew Rutherford, Karen

"MSDOS has to be one of the suckiest OSes ever."
"Umm... a small technical point. Messy-Dross is _not_ a true operating
 system. It's a program loader with a hardon and delusions of grandeur."
                        -- Gary Barnes, Valdis Kletnieks
                                from alt.sysadmin.recovery

"Internode Professional Access: A Great Route, Every Time"
                        -- Simon Hackett

"If looks could kill... she'd have a nasty bruise."
                        -- me

"Paper can KILL if it's thrown hard enough, sometimes."
                        -- James "Kibo" Parry

Some congressmen are so upset about how much the
government pays farmers not to grow wheat, that
they want more money not to accept bribes. 

"Adrian is my inverse chaperone. He checks up on me to see if I'm doing
 anything, and if I'm not he tells me to do something."
                        -- me

One of the reasons Jimmy Carter is so popular in the south is that he has no accent. 

"It's still got a kind of throat inspection sound about it..."
                        -- Tim Marks

Armor -- The kind of clothing worn by a man
         whose tailor is a blacksmith.

"Plaudipus: a small roman mammal that lays eggs and then presents you with
 a bill."
                        -- Heath, with minimal contribution from me