I always turn to the sports page first, which record people's
accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 

     - Chief Justice Earl Warren 

Man does not control his own fate.
The women in his life do that for him. 

     - Groucho Marx 

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

     - Paul Valery 

A good day is when you wake up without a chalk outline around your body.

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. 

Happiness is a positive cash flow. 

Wisdom is running after mankind...but mankind is quicker !

Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate
it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it
and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for
seventy-five cents." 

     - Billiam Coronel 

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." 

     - Dave Edison 

"... anyway talking about yuckies... oops I mean yuppies..."
                        -- Kristy Wilsen

"They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me."
                        -- Nathaniel Lee, on being consigned to a mental
                           institution, circa 17th century.

"I just woke up, I'm 40 miles from my car and I can't remember where I left my
 trousers. I think I'm going to be a little late."
                        -- Someone's employee, rec.humor.funny

"I'd rather drink a pint of someone else's diarrhoea then listen to this
 stuff."
                        -- Daniel, referring to me and Martyn singing in the
                           lab (he's now joined the choir =))

"Most people have read The Hobbit, picked up Lord of the Rings and have gone
 'Ugggh... if I have to read one more three-page description of a tree...'"
                        -- Unknown, via Bruce

"If a picture paints a thousand words could the Bible then become 36
 collectable bubblegum cards?"
                        -- DAAS Songbook