Modern parents believe toilet training should be an easy and
casual affair.  Just let the child s*%# all over everything.  This
prepares him or her for a brilliant career as a talk show host.

                                                        --P.J. O'Rouke

"I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking.
    He called me a quitter."        -- Steven Pearl

"I'll never get into a car that doesn't match my hat!"

                                                --Zsa Zsa Gabor 

        Vows begin when hope dies.
                
                           --Leonardo da Vinci

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.

                                           --Francis Bacon

No good deed goes unpunished.
        
                        --Billy Wilder

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Don't trust first impulses--they are always good.

                                           --Tallyrand

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must
be first overcome.
        
                          --Dr. Johnson

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not
found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the
door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone
her with stones that she die...

                                                 -- Deuteronomy 22:20-21

"He that lives in hope danceth without music." 
  
                                       -- George Herbert

What do you mean, funny?  Funny-peculiar
or funny-ha-ha?
                                -- Ian Hay, THE HOUSEMASTER,
                                   Act III (1936).

        I am rich beyond the dreams of avarice.

                                -- Edward Moore (1712-1757)
                                   THE GAMESTER, II, 2 (1753).

"The feminist notion that the whole of human history has been nothing but a
vast intricate conspiracy by men to enslave their wives, mothers, daughters,
and sisters presents us with an intellectual neurosis for which we do not yet
have a name."

                                    --Edward Abbey

"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote."

                                            -- Ralph Waldo Emerson