When I was growing up, we were so poor that when I asked my father
for something to play with, he cut a hole in my pants pocket. 

To err is human; to admit it is not. 

Seen on a cesspool truck 'round Boston:

"A flush beats a full house" 

The Schizophrenic: an unauthorized autobiography 

"No Ange, I'm _not_ coming to your party, I'm playing strip twister!"
                        -- Anthia Rallis, in the middle of the terminal lab,
                                without any warning whatsoever

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

"Despite it's clever disguise the aperture to the right is not actually a
 window, but is a fire exit. _So_ if you want it open, please light this
 waste-paper bin so we aren't breaking the law, and the fire brigade will open
 it for you."
                        -- Paul Gardner-Stephen

"Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads.
 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum."
                        -- Barnes and Barnes, "Fish Heads"

"... mutant brain-eating cyborgs are bad for business..."
                        -- "Battle Angel" (an Anime movie I saw)

"... I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a
 paranoid little weirdo... in morse code..."
                        -- Unknown, via Bruce Alcorn

"Oh no! I can't go to the deli! My singles cover has lapsed!"
                        -- Lyndall Holmes

Hi.  I'm here to pick up the Pope's Superbowl tickets -
   Ave.  Hic adsum ad tesseras pontificis maximi Colosseo Maximo tollendas.

I can't hear you.  I have a banana in my ear. -
   Te audire non possum.  Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
                        -- Jason B. Standing, Esq.

"Are you seriously asking or are you just being a dick?"
                        -- Dave Arthur to Gerrit Riessen

"Every cloud has a silver up the creek without a paddle horse."
                        -- A bunch of people, via Jason B. Standing, Esq.

"... he repeats until he fails, half a goon and half a god, a man's not made
 of steel..."
                        -- Devo, "Gates of Steel"

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

English is the language up with which I will not put

Men have died and worms have eaten them -- but not for love!

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you
    have, for instance. 

                                         --Franklin P. Jones