* I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
       anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

     * Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

   Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
         Red Buttons

   I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
   California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
         Sheckly Greene

"More than 25,000 dedicated gun lovers from across Northern Idaho flocked to
 the Coeur d'Alene Convention Center for the two-day event, happily
 sublimating homosexual impulses amid a carefully maintained facade of
 platonic camaraderie."

-- "Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting"
from The Onion, http://www.theonion.com

"Life gets boring, someone invents another necessity, and once again we
 turn the crank on the screwjack of progress hoping that nobody gets
 screwed."

-- Larry Wall

"The Harvard Law states:  Under controlled conditions of light, temperature,
 humidity, and nutrition, the organism will do as it damn well pleases."

-- Larry Wall

"There's more than one way to do it."

-- The Perl Slogan

"It's a good thing there's more than one way to do it because most of them
 don't work."

-- The Windows Perl Slogan

"Back in my youth, there were people who would take elements of one RPG
 and try to make them work for another, like 'James Bond would be a Paladin
 with charisma of 19'. The two I always wanted to combine were _Call of
 Cthulu_ and _The Rocky and Bullwinkle Party Game_.

 'Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!'
 'Again?'"

-- David Jacoby

"And Mr Caffeine-Deficient-Brain went .... Imperial Star Destroyers? with
 serial ports?"

-- Siggi the Underpaid, alt.sysadmin.recovery

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
   Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened
   criminals.
         Ronnie Corbett

   They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if
   your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure
   gonna put a stop to siphoning.
         Billie Holliday

   I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I
   wanna know your name"
         Mike Binder

   Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long
   enough to get money from it
         Stephen Leacock

   I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
   must eat it with naked fat people.
         Ed Bluestone

   Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
   anyone going faster than you is a moron.
         George Carlin

   You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
   miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
   the hell she is.
         Ellen DeGeneris

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
         Carol Leifer

"I once bought a cellphone that had a little sticker on the box that said
 'DO NOT EAT PACKAGING MATERIAL'. There went another freebie snack at the
  office."

-- Andreas "Buzh" Skau in alt.sysadmin.recovery

"I'm getting a new desk soon!  Desk goes up.  Desk goes down.  Desk goes up.
 Desk goes down.  Desk goes up.  Desk goes down.  Desk goes up.
 Desk goes down.  Desk goes up.  Desk goes down.  Desk goes up.
 Desk goes down.  Desk goes up.  Desk goes down.  Lunch.

 Productivity is in the eyes of the beholder."

-- Lars Balker Rasmussen in alt.sysadmin.recovery