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Main Archives Poems Category: Women

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1
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Ode to a Mammogram



For years and years they told me,  "Be careful of your breasts."
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.

So, I heeded all their warnings.....and protected them by law....
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.

After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," the nurse said, as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said.  "Ah, yes....that's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal....I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down....My boob was in a vice....

My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing......

Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing.....My poor defenseless tit......

"Take a deep breath"  she said to me.  Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting!

"There, that was good" I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."........"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.

If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now......
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!

This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt.....
I'd like to get his balls in there.....for months he'd go WITHOUT!



2
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There was a young lady from china,
who had an enourmous vagina.
and when she was dead
they painted it red
and used it for docking a liner.


3
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A musical lady from China
Stretched catgut across her vagina
The result of this trick
(With a well-rosined prick)
Was _Toccata and Fugue in D minor_

4
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There was a young lady from Eaton
Whose figure had plenty of meat on.
She said: 'Wed me, Jack,
And you'll find that my back
Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on'.

5
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There was a young lady called Valerie
Who started to count every calory
Said her boss in disgust:
"If you lose half your bust
You'll be worth only half of your salary!"

6
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There was a Young Lady, whose chin
Resembled a point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased the harp.
And played several tunes with her chin


7
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There was a Young Lady of Bute, 
Who played on a silver-gilf flute;
She played several jigs
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

8
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There was a young lady of Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
And served cocktails and wine;
She knew what it meant - but she went!



9
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There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on her brain.
But you knew from the view
Of her waist as it grew
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

10
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A young girl who was no good at tennis
But at swimming was really a menace
Took pains to explain,
"It depends how to train;
I was a streetwalker in Venice."



11
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A girl who is bespectacled
She may not get her necktacled;
But safety pins and bassinets
Await the girl who fassinets.
   
                       --Ogden Nash

12
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There was a young lady of Michigan, 
                                        Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again." 
                                                      Said her mother, "That's strange, 
                                                      I'm surprised it ain't mange, 
                                        If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again." 

13
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                                        There was a young lass from Ignatius 
                                        Who lived in a garret quite spacious. 
                                                      When she went to here auntie's 
                                                      She always wore panties, 
                                        But alone in her garret,---good gracious. 

14
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There was a young lady of Exeter, 
                                        So pretty, that men craned their necks at her. 
                                                      One was even so brave 
                                                      As to take out and wave 
                                        The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 

15
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There was a young girl of Claridge's 
            Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is, 
                When you stop to think 
                That I've poured down the sink 
            Five abortions and fifty miscarriages!" 


The poems continue below

 


16
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There was a young girl of La Plata 
            Who was widely renowned as a farter. 
                Her deafening reports 
                At the Argentine sports 
            Made her much in demand as a starter. 

17
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There was a young squaw of Wohunt 
            Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 
                It had many odd uses, 
                Produced no papooses, 
            And fitted both giant and runt. 

18
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There was a young lady from Brussels 
            Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 
                She could easily plex them 
                And so interflex them 
            As to whistle love songs through her bustles.

19
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            There once was a woman from York 
            Who used to eat shit with a fork. 
                Her son said, "You goon, 
                You eat shit with a spoon. 
            It`s pork that you eat with a fork." 

20
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There was an old girl from the Azores

           whos cunt was covered in sores

           even the dogs in the street

           wouldn't sniff the green meat

           that hung in great chunks 

           from her drawers


                              RpR


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