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Today's jokes [3.22.19]

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A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
 and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
 He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

     The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
 back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart
 and brave you are and how you are my hero"  The man took the
 frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

     The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
 back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion
 for an entire week."  The man took the frog out of his pocket,
 smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

      The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
 a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
 Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back
 into his pocket.

      Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm
 a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do
 anything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

      The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have
 time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


Holiday Party Festivity Levels

Level I: 

     Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves,
     and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to
     sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree. 

Level II: 

     Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking
     from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta
     Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments. 

Level III: 

     Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't
     passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing
     "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the
     sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing
     hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little
     hammers strike. 

Level IV: 

     Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are
     performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree.
     The piano is missing. 

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent
your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to
get to Level III is egg-nog. 


Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each 
other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to 
date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., 
and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, "It's OK. We get it 
on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?" Sally 
replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. 
"Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!" 
Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."


Millennia Year Application Software System

  This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
  system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
  firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
  the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
  Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
  to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
  month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
  look at MYASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the
  program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
  one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
  after MYASS expands.
  Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
  on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
  noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
  of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
  the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
  never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
  her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
  relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
  again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
  was ready to kiss MYASS.
  I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
  initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
  eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
  protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
  database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
  as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
  into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
  commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
  employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".  This program has
  already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
  and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
  representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
  information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
  our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
  out of MYASS."


A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a 
while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." 

He says, "Why's that?" 

She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen 


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