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Today's jokes [2.21.18]

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One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Young
man, you're much too young to smoke!"

The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"

The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say
that to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"

1. 




President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board 
Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At 
the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands 
full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade." 

2. 




Only in America...

   Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
   ambulance...
   Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
   skating rink...
   Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
   and a diet coke...
   Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
   pens to the counters...
   Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
   driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
   Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
   then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
   want to talk to in the first place...
   Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
   packages of eight...
   Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
   process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
   "blood-sucking creatures"...


3. 




Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

A: 20 class rings fell out.

4. 




A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes
back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. 

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

5. 



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