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Today's jokes [5.27.19]

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local 
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps 
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should 
I do?" 
   "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I 
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to 
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the 
leg." 
   In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice 
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
 "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. 
 "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. 
 Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards 
Mrs. Jones. 
 "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. 
 "Right again," said the minister, smiling. 
  Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister 
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few 
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with 
the hatpin again. 
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him 
his last son?" 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned 
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"


1. 




A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain 
admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables 
in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to 
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over 
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - 
just don't start anything."

2. 




   
   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
   the front door.
   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
   more was said about the "statue."
   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."


3. 




The company president called the chief security guard into his office. 
"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are 
making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't
belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at 
his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again." The company 
president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's 
face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was 
complaining!!!!"

4. 




   The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
   to be direct about
   it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
   said,"Hey, honey,
   whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
   She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
   


5. 



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