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Today's jokes [9.20.18]

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A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up 
to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really 
rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is 
amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a 
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around 
in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. 
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You 
will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. 
The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're 
bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you 
started it!"


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th 
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a 
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she 
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My 
Husband - Stiff At Last.'" 


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. 
I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you 
know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's 
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "Me."


Mullah Nasrudin, wisest man in Islam, entered England of a visit.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asked the customs inspector.
"No -- sssssst, bzzz - nothing at all."
"How long do you plan to stay?"
"Oh, about -- ssssssssszzzzt, bzzz -- about three weeks."
"By the way, where did you learn English?"
"From the -- bzzz, bzzz, sszzzzzzzzbzzz -- radio."


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