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year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.
"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.
Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells
her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a
peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned
The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,
and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not
take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took
the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by
Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind
by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
Which one's Mommy?
Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
A wish for Christmas
It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
christmas". "I bet
you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
boy again said"Nope".
Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
because I can smell it on your finger"!
THE IRS LETTER...
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from
The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One
day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
the girl. He holds up
the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys can have a
football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
his bike. She holds up
the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
bike and says, "Oh
yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!" She
runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of
parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!". The next
day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
she promptly pulls
up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
that as long as I have
one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid
from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
tell me a sentence
with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
definitely blue." "Thats
not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The
grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
about?" So Johnny
says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"
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