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1
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 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.

"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.

Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"

2
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A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little 
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't 
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to 
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

3
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A young teenager comes home from school and asks her 
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?  That babies 
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had 
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
     
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

4
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The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still 
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano 
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with 
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells 
her he has worked out his act. 

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall 
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to 
rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to 
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. 
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every 
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you 
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my 
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY!  GET OFF THAT 
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

5
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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried 
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with 
friends and relatives.  His father tried every way possible to get 
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, 
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and 
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to 
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle 
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the 
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without 
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be 
seen and the card players continued without any further 
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, 
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a 
peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."

6
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Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf 
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that 
you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you have in the 
other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

7
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Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?   Johnny said,  "It's 
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy.   Her braces are too darned 
sharp."

8
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The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,
and you will learn a lot.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

        The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

        The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not
take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

        Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

        Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.

        Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.

        In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took
the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

        Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by
Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.

        In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.

        The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

        The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.

        The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind
by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

        During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.


9
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A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl 
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play 
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I 
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the 
husband."

10
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, 
"And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a 
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

11
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What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?


                             Which one's Mommy?

12
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Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

13
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A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
   couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
   "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
   The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
   his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
   They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
   "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
   "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
   you everytime!"


14
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A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
   small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
   "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
   "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
   Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
   The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
   "It doesn't work!" she yelled.
   "What do you mean?" asked Mom.
   "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
   whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
   cider."


15
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   A wish for Christmas

   It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
   mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
   his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
   dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
   lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
   christmas". "I bet
   you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
   with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
   responds"Nope".
   So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
   touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
   boy again said"Nope".
   Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
   himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
   bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
   the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
   the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
   Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
   boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
   The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
   P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
   because I can smell it on your finger"!



The jokes continue below

 


16
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THE IRS LETTER...
   
   Dear Sirs:
   I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
   three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
   have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
   are evil and expensive.
   It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
   the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
   knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
   may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
   deduction.
   This year they are yours!

   The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
   you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
   questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
   has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
   Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
   it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
   expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
   It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
   appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
   getting up early to drive her to school.
   Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
   wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
   occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
   of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
   quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
   that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
   problem.

   Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
   little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
   himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
   was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
   Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
   almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
   temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
   plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
   instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
   with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
   hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
   peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
   unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
   vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
   source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
   976 numbers!).

   Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
   by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
   She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
   beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
   will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
   reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
   it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
   deduction that you are denying!

   It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
   they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
   speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
   lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
   political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
   pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
   Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
   baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
   fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
   handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
   in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
   thing than find out what it is really made of.
   You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
   pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
   still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
   take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
   Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
   about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
   your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
   withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
   on an airplane.
   Sincerly,



17
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of 
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy 
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy 
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the 
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy 
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just 
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from 
Minnesota!!"

The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?" 

18
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   An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
   girls house. One
   day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
   the girl. He holds up
   the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
   and only boys can have a
   football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
   mother, "I want a football!"
   Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
   The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
   his bike. She holds up
   the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
   bike and says, "Oh
   yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
   can't have one!" She
   runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
   bike.
   The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
   his most private of
   parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
   one!!!". The next
   day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
   she promptly pulls
   up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
   that as long as I have
   one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
   


19
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   It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
   establishing the fact
   that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
   the roll, she was told
   by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
   none of that kind of
   thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
   really teacher, it IS
   Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
   my brother if you
   don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
   the teacher went
   across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
   fourth grade teacher
   had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
   entered the room and
   directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
   replied a little kid
   from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
   


20
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   Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
   tell me a sentence
   with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
   definitely blue." "Thats
   not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
   Young Sally tried :"The
   grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
   brown too!"
   Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
   lumps?" The
   teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
   about?" So Johnny
   says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"
   


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