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Main Archives Jokes Category: Computer Related

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1
Email Friend
 
                       The Technologically Challenged
     
   
Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
   Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
   is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
   was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
   be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
   that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
   (5-1/4") diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
   failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
   had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
   to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
   diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
   with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
   back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
   hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
   across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
   to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
   discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
   in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
   longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
   water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
   and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
   because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The
   tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
   responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
   He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
   printer."  The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
   face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
   her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
   plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
   the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
   pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
   mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
   brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
   plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
   happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
   she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire  SysOp:
   Caller: "Hello, is this  Tech Support?"
   Tech:   "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
   Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
            warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
   Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
   Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
   Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
            Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
            How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
            on it?"
   Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
            promotion.  It just has '4X' on it."
   At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
   couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
   using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
   snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
   for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
   put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
   squeezed it in.  When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
   even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
   meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  


2
Email Friend
 
                       Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail
     
   
I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately.  I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.  I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off.  But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off.  I just run them separately, and it
works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.  After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0.  He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly.  He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.  All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.  I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program.  It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system.  I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram.  Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality.  Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.  And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.  So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.  One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus.  Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything.  Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.  I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.  Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas???
  


3
Email Friend
 
                               Pest-by-Modem
     
   
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

*Make up fake acronyms.  On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo.  Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages.  When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again.  Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines.  Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on.  Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own.  For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role.  Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.
  


4
Email Friend
 
                            Diary of an AOL User
     
   
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the
best online service I can get.  They even included a free disk!  I'd better
hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one!  I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't
fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next
door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy.  But he says that's
just another service. What a modest kid.  He's so smart and he does these
services for people.  Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one?  And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall?  I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb!  But the kid figured
it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet?  I thought I was on America Online. Not this
internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me.  Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today.  I tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that?  I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 -  I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS
LOCK KEY.  WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD
KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I
HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.  I
WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I
WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT
A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file.  Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I
can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's
laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why
the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story
I
like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
  


5
Email Friend
 
                          The Numbers of the Beast
     
   
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

660             - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI          - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000        - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666           - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666           - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1)      - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010      - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
                - Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666           - Area code of the Beast
00666           - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts!  One-on-one pacts!  Call Now!
                  Only $6.66/minute.  Over 18 only please.
$665.95         - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25         - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95         - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
                  replacement soul
$656.66         - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66         - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666    - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666       - Way of the Beast
666 F           - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k            - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg          - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %          - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
                  National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6     - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66       - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686          - CPU of the Beast
666i            - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
                - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668             - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
  


6
Email Friend
 
                       Less-Known Computer Languages
     
   
Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These
programming languages are well
known and (more or less) well
loved throughout the computer
industry.

There are numerous other
languages however that are less
well known yet still have ardent
devotees. In fact these little
-known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know more
about these obscure languages -
and why they are obscure - I
present the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym
for Sheer Idiot's Mono  Purpose
Programming Lingusitic
Environment.

This language developed at the
Hanover College for Technological
Misfits was designed to make it
impossible to write code with
errors in it. The statements are
therefore confined to BEGIN-END-
and STOP. No matter how you
arrange the statements you can't
make a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE do
nothing useful.Thus they achieve
the results of programs written
in other languages without the
tedious frustrating process of
testing and debugging.

SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known
for the speed or lack of it  of
its compiler. Although many
compilers allow you to take a
coffee break while they compile
SLOBOL compilers allow you to take
a trip to Bolivia to pick up the
coffee. Forty-three programmers
are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while
waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.
Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn
to a related (but infinitely
 faster) language...COCAINE.

VALGOL ... (With special thanks to
Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)
- From its modest beginnings in
southern California's San
Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying
a dramatic surge of popularity
across the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY-
LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables
are assigned with the =LIKE and
=TOTALLY operators.Other operators
include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"
FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
code are handled in FOR-SURE loops.
Here is a sample VALGOL program

. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START
. %% IF
. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
. 4K (FERSURE)**2
. 18 THEN
. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
. 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
. -17 SURE
. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
. ? REALLY
. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its
unfriendly error messages. For
example when the user makes a
syntax error the interpreter
displays the message GAG ME WITH
A SPOON!


LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is
a derivative of  LAIDBACK  which
was developed at the (now defunct)
Marin County Center for T'ai Chi
Mellowness and Computer
Programming as an analternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby
silicon valley. The center was
ideal for programmers who liked to
soak in  hot tubs while they
worked. Unfortunately few
programmers could survive there
for long since the center outlawed
pizza and RC  Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK
because its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language.
For example LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message
SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE ... Named after the late
existential philosopher.SARTRE is
an extremely unstructured
language. Statements in SARTRE have
no purpose they are just there.
Thus  SARTRE programs are left to
define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be
boring and depressed and are no
fun at  parties.

FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision
mathematical language in  which
the data types refer to quantity.
The data types range from  CC-OUNCE
-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language)
LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients
such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-
CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH
and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH
language reflect the sophistication
and financial status of its users.
Commands in the ELITE dialect
include VSOP and LAFITE while
commands in the GUTTER dialect
include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a  favorite of
frustrated FORTH programmers who
end up using the language.

C-...This language was named
for the grade received by its
creater when he submitted it
as a class project in a
graduate programming class.

C- is best described as a
'Low Level' programming
language.

In fact the language
generally requires more C-
statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given
task. In this respect it
is very similar to COBOL.

LITHP ... This otherwise
unremarkable language is
distinguished by the absence
of an "s" in its character set.

Programmers and users must
substitute"TH". LITHP is said to
be useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO ... Developed at the
Massachussettes Institute of
Obedience Training. DOGO heralds
a new era of computer literate
pets. DOGO commands include SIT
STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An
innovative feature of DOGO is
'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small
cocker spaniel occasionally leaves
a deposit as he travels across
the screen.
  


7
Email Friend
 
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

     Sir,
     It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
     wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
     next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

     Dear Sir,
     I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
     scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium. 

8
Email Friend
 
Process-Oriented God



           If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like
                                              this:

             In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was
             without form and void, so God created a small committee.  He carefully
           balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
               status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
                    self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
                          Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

           And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."  And behold,
             the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
                  process empowerment.  And God thought it sounded pretty good.
                              And evening and morning were the second day.

           And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
               in long-term planning."  Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
           differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
           day.  Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
                                  the process was constructive.
                              And evening and morning were the third day.

            And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
               functional organization and engage in planning by objectives."  The
          committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
          to program directions, and God saw that this was good.  And God thought that
              it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
                                      And so ended the fourth day.

          And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
           strategy."  The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
            sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models.  And God saw that
                                    this was very democratic.
                  And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
            renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

          On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
          and evaluation.  This wasn't the agenda that God had planned.  He wasn't able
           to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
           and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
           seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human
                                             beings.

                  On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
           recommendations.  It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
             nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
           passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
           guidelines.  There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
                           have been created in the committee's image.

                  And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .



9
Email Friend
 
God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God typed:
     
        %>Let there be light!
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #Password?.
        %>Omniscient
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        %>Omnipotent
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        %>Technocrat
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
     
        %>Let there be light!
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create light
        #Done
        %>Run heaven_and_earth
        #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
     
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
        %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
             which are under and above the firmament
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create firmament
        #Done.
        %>Run firmament
        #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
     
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
        %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
             and let the dry land appear and
        #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
        %>Create dry_land
        #Done.
        %>Run dry_land
        #And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
                  
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
        %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create sun_moon_stars
        #Done
        %>Run sun_moon_stars
        #And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
             errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
              
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
        %>Create fish
        #Done
        %>Create fowl
        #Done
        %>Run fish, fowl
        #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
             that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
             every winged fowl after its kind.
        #And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
                  
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
        %>Create cattle
        #Done
        %>Create creepy_things
        #Done
        %>Now let us make man in our image
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create man
        #Done
        %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
             and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
             of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
             earth
        #Too many command operands. Try again.
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 6 errors.
        %>Insert breath
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 5 errors.
        %>Move man to Garden of Eden
        #File Garden of Eden does not exist.
        %>Create Garden.edn
        #Done
        %>Move man to Garden.edn
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 4 errors.
        %>Copy woman from man
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
        %>Create desire
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in  
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
        %>Create freewill
        #Done
        %>Run freewill
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Undo desire
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Help
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Create tree_of_knowledge
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Create good, evil
        #Done
        %>Activate evil
        #And God saw he had created shame.
        #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
            Garden.edn.  1 errors.
        %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
        #Search failed.
        %>Delete shame
        #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Stop
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again
        %>Break
        %>Break
        %>Break
        #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN 
             FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. 
             PLEASE LOG OFF.
        %>Create new world
        #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
             files before new ones can be created.
        %>Destroy earth
        #Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
        %>Y
        #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
        #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
 
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
        #USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
        #SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
        %>NEW
        #PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
        %>God
        #NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
        %>who is God
        #God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE
 
        #And NEW logged off



10
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The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus


   It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all.  Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive.  Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer.  It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.

  It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.  It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.  It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over.  It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.

   Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.  It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets.  It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

    It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

   It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it.  It will kick your dog.  It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold.  It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

   Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave
the toilet seat up.  It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.


11
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Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest and
greatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for the
dudes who have to read it.  The hip new way to write readable C
code involves the use of a few simple defines.


#define like {
#define man ;}
#define an ;
#define SayBro /*
#define CheckItOut */


SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOut

like
    a = b
         an
    c = d
man

SayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?
THIS is the way to write CLEAR code.  I mean really!  CheckItOut

like SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but in
a readable form.

CheckItOut man

#define YoDude for(
#define OK     )
#define is     =
#define AND    &&
#define as
#define Do
#define long
#define some
#define make
#define garbage
#define FAROUT

shell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOut
int v[], n;

like int gap, i, j, temp;

YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK
    YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK
        YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some
            garbage an make j -= gap OK
            like
                temp is v[j]      an
                v[j] is v[j+gap]  an
                v[j+gap] is temp
            man
FAROUT man

SayBro like, B there OB square!  CheckItOut



12
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God's Human DNA Code



For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
I have solved the mystery.
 
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
 
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
 
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
 *
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 *
 * (C) God
 */
 
/* Revision history:
 *
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
 */
 
/* Standard definitions
 */
 
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
 
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 *
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
 */
 
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
 
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
 
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
 */
#include 
 
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
 */
struct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
 
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
 */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
 *
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 *
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
 */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
 
...and so on.
 
 
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]



13
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Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch:

                                         You Decide



                                                __________
                                               |  ______  |
 ________                                      | |      | |
| ______ |        'But that isn't a fair       | |      | |
||      ||         comparison.  People         | |______| |
||______||        like the Etch-A-Sketch.'     |          |
| o    o |                                     | _ _ _ _ _|
|________|                                    (|__________|\
                                              |     ________)_
Roger Earl                                   [^]   |          |
roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca             [_]   |__________|


After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,
similar to the other great computer wars.

                                Etch-A-Sketch           Mac Classic

No. of Colours                        2                     2
Resolution                        ~2000*~2000           512 * 342
No. of buttons                        2                     1
Preemptive Multitasking              Yes                    No
Hardware line draw                   Yes                    No
Price                                < $20                ~ $1000
Power Consumption                     No                   Yes
Laptop                               Yes                    No
Slow Operating System                 No                   Yes
Non Volatile Memory                  Yes                    No
Choice of Coloured box               Yes                    No
Robust design (shakeable)            Yes                    No

After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.
For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the
Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact
be faster than the true E-A-S.



14
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The Story of Micro and Mini



Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked his
Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when
he noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL and
a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over
the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating
point processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," she
responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over
her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I've
been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my
disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, he
was  analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He
finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but
Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.
Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processor
of it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted an
escape sequence ....

"No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded."

"Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt."

"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Mini
soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of is
HEX."



15
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Millennia Year Application Software System



  This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
  system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
  firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
  the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
  
  Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
  to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
  month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
  look at MYASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the
  program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
  one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
  after MYASS expands.
  
  Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
  on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
  noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
  of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
  the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
  never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
  her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
  relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
  again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
  was ready to kiss MYASS.
  
  I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
  initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
  eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
  protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
  database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
  as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
  into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
  commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
  employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".  This program has
  already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
  and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
  representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
  information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
  our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
  out of MYASS."




The jokes continue below

 


16
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The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans

                                        by John Carney



From: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)
To: allusers@rome.org
CC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)
Attachments: none
Subject: general teaching
Also posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy
 
Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and disk
space charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,
so I'll have to keep this short.  :)
IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the 
godlessness of men.  }:>
U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.
BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. 
Circumcision  :(  is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,
BFD.  Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because of
the customer support they receive.  In Him we are neither IBM nor
Gateway, Tandy nor Compaq.
None of us is righteous. As King David wrote:
 
KD>     There is no one righteous, not even one;
KD>     There is no one who understands, no one who seeks
KD>     God, no one who has not illegally copied his 
KD>     favorite game program for a friend.

But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*
righteousness.
But does this mean we should sin all we want?  No way!
We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spirit
gives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit to
the authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Pay
for shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flame
somebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.
Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause your
fellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive.  Watch out
for those R- and X-rated .GIF files. 
I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on the
couch. CUL8er.  :)
 XXX   Papyrus 6.2   XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX     {RAH}

--------------
John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)
_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, a
magazine of religious satire and commentary.



17
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                           The PC Manifesto V3.0
                                      
                Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon
                                      
                   by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X.
                                      
                       (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved
                                      
   "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and
   harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people,
   regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient
   world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit."

                              - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore
                                Berkeley CA, 1965


 -------------------------------------------------------------------------


                                  PC PRIMER
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------




 Q:  WHAT IS P.C.?

 PC stands for Politically Correct.  We of the Politically Correct
 philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures,
 race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.  Politically Correctness
 is the only social and morally acceptable outlook.  Anyone who disagrees
 with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

 Q:  WHY SHOULD I BE PC?

 Being PC is fun.  PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life!  PC
 offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
 evils of centuries of oppression.

 Q:  I AM A WHITE MALE.  CAN I STILL BE PC?

 Sure.  As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand
 destiny ARE white males.  But remember, as a white male, you must
 constantly feel guilty.

 Q:  WHY?

 If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically
 every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats.
 That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities.  Now
 it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those
 individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

 Q:  HOW?

 It's simple.  You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
 what you do.  You just don't want to offend anyone.

 Q:  YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?

 That's right.  Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
 a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

 Q:  HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?

 Oh, there are lots of ways.  For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
 can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?"  Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage
 into different containers:  glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
 etc.  Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals.  Try
 to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush
 your teeth at the same time.  Then don't let the water go down the drain,
 use it to irrigate your lawn.  Or better yet, replace your lawn with a
 vegetable garden.  Don't use aerosol.  And by all means, don't burn or deface
 our flag.  Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's
 country.  If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the
 part!  Don't do drugs.  You should listen to at least one of the following PC
 musicians:  U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang.

 Harass people who wear fur coats.  Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
 mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, "FUR."  They hate that.  And don't EVER
 eat meat.

 Q:  DON'T EAT MEAT?  WHY NOT?!

 Cows are animals, just like humans are animals.  That means that they have
 rights.  When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

 Q:  SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

 No, not always.  Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
 Gulf.  You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
 it doesn't.

 Q:  HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

 The general rule is as follows:

           IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
              HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

 Examine the following chart:

       RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS
      --------                     -----------
       cows                         cockroaches
       cute bunnies                 flies
       dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
       whales                       sharks
       red squirrels                gray squirrels
       owls                         loggers
       harbor seals                 barnacles

 Q:  WOW.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?

 Hug a tree.  Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
 gives flavor to our great country.  Get in touch with your sexual identity.
 Check your refrigerator for freon leaks.  Subscribe to National Geographic.
 Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes.  After you
 read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes
 with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question
 authority!

 Q:  BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT-

 Don't worry, that's not important.

 Q:  WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS.

 If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember.  YOU ARE
 RIGHT.  It's that simple.  You, as a PC social warrior, are right.

 Q:  HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?

 Good question.  It's important to know when someone is saying something
 insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society.  The
 guideline is as follows:

      Is the confrontation between two white people?
         Yes -  The liberal is right.
         No  -  The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

 Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading
 of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race
 issues.

 Here's a fun practice drill for you:  See how many newspaper articles you can
 make into race bias stories.  It's fun!  Some PCers are so good they can make
 the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

 Q:  WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?

 It all depends on the situation.  If you are not in a position of authority,
 by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge.  If
 your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s,
 she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
 disciplined.

 Q:  BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?

 The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
 espoused by anyone.  That's not what free speech is about.  Some call it
 censorship.  PCers call it "selective" speech.  Saying something negative
 about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them
 in the face.  We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

 Q:  I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.

 Yes.  That's part of the PC movement.  You see, part of the way we think
 about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them.  Take
 "black" for instance.  Why should a person be judged by the color of their
 skin?

 Q:  YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR
CHARACTER?

 No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from.  If your
 great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should
 be identified by that fact.  You can even apply for special scholarships!


 Q:  I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN.  CAN I GET ONE?

 No, there are no scholarships for any of those.  Sorry.  If you are a woman,
 however, there should be some.

 Q:  HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN
     AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

 Technically, yes.  But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
 We mean BLACK African-Americans.  Another example:  A white South-African
 U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either.

 Q:  HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?

 For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

 Q:  I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC.  WHAT CAN I DO?

 Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
 their time with philanthropies.  Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
 perspectives on history.  Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
 to reflect cultural biases.

 Q:  I DON'T GET IT.

 Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities
 who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions
 at school and work and receive preferential treatment.  This is unfair and
 wrong.

 Q:  IT IS?

 Yes.  The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
 different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
 depending on who is taking the test.  If you are white, then you have been
 benefited by society during your life.  That means that you lose
 ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

 Q:  I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

 It IS right.  That's the beauty of PC.

 Q:  WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?

 Humor.  PC people take every comment VERY seriously.  We will not accept
 any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
 racial or ethnic slur.

 Q:  GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

 "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for
 decades.  Not PC-  It can be taken the wrong way.

 In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling
 the kettle African-American."  Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning
 culture or gender should be omitted.  True, this mostly limits comedy to
 the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality.

 Q:  IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

 Yes.  The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
 people are diversely equal.  We rejoice in this equality by treating
 people differently based on their equal individuality.  Hop aboard the
 bandwagon...  Be PC.  Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive
 pig.


 -------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 PC LEXICON
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------

 "Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"
 ------------------                         ----------------

 Black                           -   African-American
                                     (NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE
                                        LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS.
                                             DOES INCLUDE
                                        PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
                                        WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY
                                        LIVE.)

 Oriental                        -   Asian-American
                                     (NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
                                             SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)

 Indian                          -   Native-American
                                        Indigenous Peoples of N American
                                      Continent
                                     (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
                                        Atlanta Braves
                                        Cleveland Indians
                                        Kansas City Chiefs
                                        Washington Redskins
                                     AVOID THESE CITIES!!!
                                     And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!)

 Chicano                         -   Hispanic
                                     (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
                                        Cheech and Chong
                                        Chico and the Man episodes
                                        Cisco Kid
                                        Rosarita Salsa
                                        Speedy Gonzales
                                      BOYCOTT THEM!!)

 White Trash                     -   PC Unaware
                                     Rustically Inclined

 WASP (white male)               -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

 Sex                             -   Gender  (PCers don't like the word
                                     "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

 Woman                           -   Womyn, Vaginal-American

 Girl                            -   Pre-Womyn

 Housewife                       -   Domestic Engineer

 Fireman                         -   Firefighter

 Stewardess                      -   Flight Attendant

 Meter Maid                      -   Parking Enforcement Aduciator

 Post Man                        -   Post Person

 Mail Man                        -   Person Person

 Policeman (cop, pig)            -   Law Enforcement Officer
                                     Baton Boy
                                     Cal. Clubber

 Prostitute                      -   Sex Surrogate
                                     (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)

 MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON          -   Earth Children

 Handicapped                     -   Differently Abled
                                     Handi-Capable
                                     (Blind  -  Optically Darker
                                                Photonically Non-receptive
                                      Deaf   -  Visually Oriented)

 Poor                            -   Economically Unprepared

 Bum                             -   Homeless Person
                                     Displaced Homeowner
                                     Philosophy Major

 Hunter                          -   Animal Assassin
                                     Meat Mercenary
                                     Bambi Butcher

 Commercial Fisherman            -   Flipper Whipper

 Whaler                          -   Blubber Lover

 Old Person / Elderly            -   Senior Citizens
                                     4th-Dimentionally Extended
                                     Gerontologically Advanced

 Conservative                    -   Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

 Drug Addict                     -   Chemically Challenged

 Bald                            -   Comb-Free

 Vegetable                       -   Noble Unconscious Hero

 Bisexual                        -   Sexually Non-preferential

 Midget, Dwarf                   -   Little People
                                     Vertically Challenged

 Insane People                   -   Selectively Perceptive
                                     Mental Explorers

 Tree-Hugger                     -   Environmental Activist

 Logger                          -   Wood Weasel
                                     Paper Pirate
                                     Treeslayer

 Obese/Fat                       -   Differently Weighted
                                 -   People of Mass
                                 -   Gravitationally Challenged

 Corpse/Stiff/Etc.                -   Victim of GlosBiDS
                                      (Global Systematic Biological
                                      Dysfunction Syndrome)

 Far East                        -   Asia

 Censorship                      -   Selective Speech

 B.C.                            -   B.C.E.

 Older Students                  -   Non-Traditional
                                     New-Traditional

 Learning Disability             -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

 Used Books                      -   Recycled Books

 Berkeley                        -   Mecca

 Broken Home                     -   Dysfunctional Family

 HouseBroken                     -   Family Dysfunction

 Mercy Killing                   -   Euthanasia
                                     Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery

 Insult                          -   Emotional Rape

 Cattle Ranch                    -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                     "Moo-shwitz"

 Senile Bag o' Bones             -   Alzheimer's Victim

 Ghetto/Barrio                   -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area
                                     Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

 Hamburger                       -   Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

 Cheeseburger                    -   Adding Insult to Injury

 Gang                            -   Youth Group

 Pimp-mobile, Low-rider          -   Culturally Responsive Transportation
 Option

 Drunk/Trashed                   -   Spatially Perplexed

 Slum                            -   (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

 China                           -   Porcelain

 Delicatessen                    -   Corpse Farm
                                     Charnel House

 SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
 ---------------------------------

 These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe
 people.  Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing
 (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.

 DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
 (except when telling other people not to use them)

 IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND
 IMMEDIATELY:

 "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad,
  Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike,
  Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe,
  Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike,
  Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck,
  Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom,
  Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable"

 READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
 IT BETTER HAVE.

 THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
 TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.

   


18
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Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines,

                       and no Question Seems to be Too Basic



 From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
 Reprinted without permission
 
AUSTIN, Texas -  The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on.  Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
 
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied.  "Foot pedal?" the technician asked.  "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."  The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.

[boring stuff deleted] 

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
needing help on complex problems.  But now, with computer sales to homes
exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices.  Partly
because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
charging help-line users.
 
[boring stuff deleted] 

John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work.  She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, 'What power switch?'"
 
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users.  So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."

Some people can't figure out the mouse.  Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on.  The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.  Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly.  The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
 
Disk drives are another bugaboo.  Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes.  After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette.  The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
 
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk.  A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room.  The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
 
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling.  A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
 
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me
couple of friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."
 
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair.  A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his  
     tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
 
Computers make some people paranoid.  A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
was bad and an invalid."  Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
 
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists.  Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
 
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie.  One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
every time he experiences a life crisis.  He gets a technician to walk
him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
uplifted by the process.



19
Email Friend
 
Definition of Programmer



Programmer:

A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after 
innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with 
micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive 
documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious 
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding 
a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information 
in the first place. 


20
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Software Development Process



1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software
        (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the
        software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test
        (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program



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