A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
   giraffe walked in.
   "Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try
   your luck?" replied
   the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
   her. Within five
   minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the
   lion was drinking in the
   bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out,
   and can hardly hold
   himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
   down his throat and
   said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the
   giraffe, what happened
   after that? Was she all right?"
   The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
   dinner, had a couple
   of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the
   night. And oh, man!
   I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so
   exhausted?" asked
   the lion. "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the
   screwing, I must have run a
   thousand miles!"
   

   Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
   Indians. After a
   tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in
   his headdress, "Why
   the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His
   reply was, "Me have only
   one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling
   the first fellow
   was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He
   replied, "Ugh; me
   have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not
   convinced the number of
   feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to
   interview the Chief.
   Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to
   say, amused Ms.
   Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in
   your headdress?"
   The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em
   all. Big, small, fat,
   tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be
   hung!" The Chief
   replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like
   snake." Ms. Walters
   cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied,
   "Hoss-style, dog-
   style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes,
   Ms. Walters cried,
   "Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high
   and fuckers run
   too fast. No fuck deer!"
   

   A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, I'm
   getting married and
   I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions."
   He says, "All right."
   She says, "All right...what is that thing that hangs between my
   fiancé's legs?" The doctor
   says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis." She says, "Okay.
   And what is that
   big red knob at the end?" The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head
   of the penis, the
   glans." She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about
   twelve inches
   behind the head?" The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about
   your fiancé, but on
   me, they're the cheeks of my ass."
   

These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing and one sperm
   asks the
   other...Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube???
   Sperm #2 says "Naaaa
   this is still the esophagus".
   

   Cold Hands

   There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
   say's "my hands are
   really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
   between your legs,
   that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
   next day the girl is
   riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
   cold, so the girl say's,
   "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
   his hands get
   warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
   The day after that
   he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
   my legs and warm it
   up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
   asks, "Mom have you
   ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
   says I don't know
   what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
   

   PUPPY LOVE

   A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs
   mating. The little boy
   asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son,
   they're making a
   puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went
   from his bed to get a
   glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked
   unannounced into his parents
   bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
   Confused, the boy
   asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly
   to his
   impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little
   brother. "The little boy
   replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
   

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
   falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
   and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
   the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
   Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
   then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
   drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
   A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
   again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
   the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
   think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
   the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
   the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
   The moral of the story:
   If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
   chicks.

   Great A Hot & Juicy Story

   Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili
   day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little
   tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be
   ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
   So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a
   sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in
   your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo
   Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
   "Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
   fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my
   French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
   Quarter-Pounder.
   She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy
   enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of
   McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over
   at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster
   freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the
   mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
   I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the
   supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
   "Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It
   wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took
   down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the
   pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon
   of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
   "Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and
   finger lickin' good, too!"
   She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
   "No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
   Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my
   Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover.
   She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me
   the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and
   out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro.
   Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real
   name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald.
   Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about
   taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of
   her oven.
   Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy
   little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes 
flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his 
head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to 
the front door and starts pounding on it. 

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to 
knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your 
business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended 
son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I 
just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out 
the window!"

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and 
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first 
arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in 
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded 
condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her 
new husband

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and 
asked "What they don't use those things where you come 
from?" 

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His 
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as 
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met 
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and 
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we 
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why 
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had 
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking 
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How 
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 
times a day for four days and not look like this."

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not 
gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only 
yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging 
her to get back into the world. 

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for 
you to meet."   Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one 
another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him 
for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. 

One room and the normal follow up to that.  Their first night 
there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude 
except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. 
Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to 
explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's 
not getting lucky that night. The following night the same 
scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he 
in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he 
has a black condom. 

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black 
condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

The newly married man came home from work to find his new 
bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.

"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. 
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so 
after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the 
minor of three possible operations. 

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not 
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he 
recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious 
operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. 

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back 
in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. 

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes 
normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in 
conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular 
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so 
happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this 
third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, 
but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy 
for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard 
operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather 
than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to 
your uterus."

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend.  "She broke
down and told me she was bisexual.  Who the hell wants to 
screw just twice a year???"