This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth.

   In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
   a man's penis was
   larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
   that the reason the
   head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
   during sex.
   After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
   decided to do their own
   study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
   the reason was to
   give the woman more pleasure during sex.
   The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
   their own study.
   After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
   to keep a man's
   hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
   

   Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda
   of the old folks
   home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa
   Rabinowitz rocks forward in
   his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"
   Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa,
   "Fuck you too!"
   Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging
   more forward
   again.
   Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."
   This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know
   something,
   Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
   

   There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest
   cities was totally
   destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
   With that many people
   of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to
   interview everyone.
   The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a
   large cheer went up, and
   there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line
   were curious about
   what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the
   front of the line,
   "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count
   fucking."
   

   A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
   it. He turns around to
   push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
   breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
   so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
   able to forgive me." She
   looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
   is as hard as your
   elbow, I'm in room 204."
   

   Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to
   their position in life,
   and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one
   says, "My husband is
   taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then
   looks at the others
   with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just
   bought me a new
   Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number
   three says,
   "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and
   we don't have
   many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
   husband is that
   fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
   After this, the first one
   looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I
   was just trying to
   impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well,
   it's not to the French
   Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The
   second one says,
   "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
   "Well, I've got a
   confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one
   leg."
   

   Golf in the Bedroom
   Rules of Play
   Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and
   two balls.
   Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
   Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
   keep the balls out of the
   hole.
   For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
   Course owners are
   permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
   damage to the hole.
   The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
   the course owner is
   satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
   denied permission to play
   the course again.
   It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
   arrival at the course.
   The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
   course, with special
   attention to well formed bunkers.
   Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played,
   or are currently
   playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
   been known to
   damage a player's equipment for this reason.
   Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
   protection.
   Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
   scheduled, particularly
   when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players
   have been known to
   become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
   considered to be a private
   course.
   Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
   Some players may be
   embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
   Players are advised to be
   extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
   alternate means of play
   at this time.
   Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
   attempting to play the
   back nine.
   Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
   proceed at a quicker
   pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
   It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
   same course several
   times in one month.
   

   A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
   wants to show her
   daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open
   up and talk about
   dating boys and what it's like for her.
   Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting
   intimate with young
   men?
   Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never
   care if intimacy
   isn't working for me.
   Mom: How?
   Daughter: Oh, stuff....
   Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for
   mothers and daughters to
   talk about these matters...
   Daughter: I don't know.....
   Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what
   dating boys was
   like for me, believe I remember
   Daughter: Really?
   Mom: Really...
   Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your
   eyes?
   

   I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in
   the United States
   each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
   

   The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They
   got to talk to the
   mother superior.
   "Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?"
   "Sorry", she replies, "but there are no dwarf nuns here".
   "Well, are there any in the city?".
   "No, there are no dwarf nuns".
   "What, none anywhere in Europe?"
   "No, little man". "None in the entire world". "Take my word for it".
   At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.
   The Mother Superior asks "What's so funny?". "Dopey just fucked a
   penguin".
   

   The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
   to be direct about
   it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and
   said,"Hey, honey,
   whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
   She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
   

   This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
   so he went to the
   doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
   sex, to stick his
   finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
   smell would cause his
   hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
   decided to make his
   move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
   in her pussy, and then
   rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began
   to stiffen. Amazed, he
   decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
   in her pussy, then
   rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4
   erect. He decided to
   try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
   around under his nose.
   Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
   "Honey, quick
   turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and
   with his dick standing
   tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and
   said, "Looks like the
   worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"
   

   Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
   him. He asked if they
   wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
   after they went home
   and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
   went to see him. He
   asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
   long. The man
   laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
   more than one. Once at
   home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
   he gulped them
   down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
   friend. Asking for some
   liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
   disbelief, his friend asked
   if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
   replied "No,I need it for
   my arms the women never showed up!"
   

   A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
   When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
   The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
   down there."
   The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
   

   Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
   They start
   raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for
   they know not what they
   do!" The second one says, "This one does!"