A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was
starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while 
there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to 
make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've 
got and itchy pussy...." 

The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all 
those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her 
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?  That babies 
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had 
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
     
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house 
in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a 
couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another 
couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some 
bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, 
and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and 
the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a 
brothel" replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.  I 
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was 
turning it on.  It became firm in my hands, and the end was 
wet.  Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be?  What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures.  That's what I did!  I took 
measures and then went with the biggest."

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?   Johnny said,  "It's 
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy.   Her braces are too darned 
sharp."

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die,
they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off
quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into
the kitchen.
"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"
What do you mean? says his mother.
Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor.  Both her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling
"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely 
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's 
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," 
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs 
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest 
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just 
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to 
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But 
then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You 
don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite 
a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel 
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every 
room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The 
clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, 
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. 
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own 
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show 
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your 
honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I 
was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me 
and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking 
for Sex. My case comes up Friday. 

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks 
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get 
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take 
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave 
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the 
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to 
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to 
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live 
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one 
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, 
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled 
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow 
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the 
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." 

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to 
"speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for 
his last great lay.  "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask 
questions.  Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught 
up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and 
hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, 
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, 
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of 
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors 
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to 
ICU, where therapy continues. 

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his 
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are 
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when 
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home 
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any 
physical exercise that you like." 

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his 
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no 
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to 
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate 
sex....you'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard 
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on 
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just 
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything 
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." 

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his 
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no 
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription 
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart 
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, 
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron 
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's 
your wife's first name?" 

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May 
Concern"?

Playgirl Rejection Letter



November 30, 1995


PLAYGIRL, INC.


Dear Mrs. Smith,

        We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband.  We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly 
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

        We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

        When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

        To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100.  We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

        The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over 
twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"

        The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"

        We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your 
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary.  We do, however, 
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold.  Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to 
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely 
obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in 
John's case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

This exchange was overheard between the separated sections 
of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 
inches over here you would love to have." 

The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well- 
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force 
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to 
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a 
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that 
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the 
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change 
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of 
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him 
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who 
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we 
just make his legs longer?" 

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins



As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and
frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains
everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.