There was a young girl called Anna,
Who was rather good with a spanner.
A boy gave her a knock,
So she grabbed his big cock,
And he now has a whole different manner!


Sent by Louise

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!

What is the Australian for foreplay?

Brace yourself, Sheila!

And the Welsh?

Are you awake, Gwen?

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?

Darling.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her 
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on 
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. 
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She 
paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice 
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

The woman  entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank  into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome  stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his  steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze  measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.

He  sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from  her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign  hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender,  new territory, boldly
taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements 
deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy
was within  her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's  too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place  as if it had been made
only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over  her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her  eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes,  this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and  again............


DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR  SHOES?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because 
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest 
and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the 
Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I 
am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted 
on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know 
about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a 
married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the 
minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and 
therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he 
seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition 
and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then 
states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man 
replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others 
tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex 
were work, my wife would have the maid do it." 


Sent by Jesse

What do you call someone who fucks kids in the ass?

A backdoor pedofile!

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like 
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact 
that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind 
of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the 
eldest daughter. 
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. 
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the 
second daughter. 
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. 
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the 
youngest daughter.

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes 
to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.  She grabs a club and 
takes a mighty swing at the ball.  She hits a beautiful second shot, but 
in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf 
bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the 
way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand 
the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically 
ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was 
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk 
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like 
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to 
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite." 

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- 
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. 
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge 
off my appetite." 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to 
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and 
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? 
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this 
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." 

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!
{F} - Fake.