An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his 
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex 
life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half 
way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure 
wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it 
were dark."

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor
heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his 
cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over. The
cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your 
heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll
be the best thing you can do for your recovery."
So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron tells his wife what
the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and told him, "That's 
wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."

Why are women like snow flakes??
 
         They are all beautiful.
         They are all different.
         They can all be cold as ice.
         But they'll all melt when they land on your face......

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because men fake foreplay.

Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........No?.

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical 
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a 
beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes 
up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty 
years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, 
what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll 
show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him
one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like 
love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to 
have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the 
doctor: Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body 
rejects the organ?
Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in 
business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does 
that have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker?

A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?

A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your 
family bush.

What's the difference between mono and herpes?

You get mono from from snatching a kiss.... 

What is red and has seven dents?

Snow White's cherry!

What's the definition of a real loser?

A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.

An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of 
fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked 
the beginner if she had any questions.
"Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked."
"The same as the short ones, honey."