Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a 
computer?

A: A computer that never goes down on you. 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to 
file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a 
few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. 
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is 
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken 
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a 
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was 
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned 
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be 
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the 
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need 
for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor 
asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, 
aren't you?"

For me, penises are a hobby ... kinda like fishing ... The small ones you 
throw back, The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and The big ones 
you mount."

Different sex outcomes

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"
Blonde after sex: "Next!"
Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?

A: She unties you. 

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

šššShe blew them both...

Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
šššSugar is when you kiss her on the lips! 

One morning a little girl ran inside and said "Daddy, Daddy my sister and 
the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that 
new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I 
think they are about to piss all over that new hay!"

Q: What do the Chinese call a 69?
šššA: Two can chew!!

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him 
what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. 
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky 
and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all 
buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... 
they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to 
ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and 
over again, until you're perfect at it."

Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

A: 20 class rings fell out.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are 
you doin?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, 
"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The 
milkman filled her this morning."

Two hookers were on a street corner.  They started discussing business,
and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in
the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."