"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam ?" said
   her closest friend.
   
   "Well," Pam confirmed, "although his diamond was of pretty good
   quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."

   While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it.
   Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly
   unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
   quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
   
   "Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask
   that ?"
   
   "Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,
   "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."

   A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
   their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
   could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
   thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
   concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
   your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
   grapes and some doughnuts."
   
   "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
   the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
   Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
   retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
   
   "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
   room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
   'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
   the doughnut."
   
   The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
   wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
   see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
   not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
   the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
   
   Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will
   not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
   ever be. I cannot help."
   
   The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the
   Browns, now please, please help us."
   
   "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
   stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
   Cheerios..."

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
   the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
   
   When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
   coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
   of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
   'bored'."

   The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
   marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
   court does not take annulments lightly."
   
   "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
   thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
   married a wide receiver."

   I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost
   always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've
   heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't
   have a lot of trouble with that.
   
   But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and
   tuffer.

   I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,
   
   but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to
   bed.

   What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge
   display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French:
   37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in
   plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
   
   Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found
   that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

   A coupla Aggies, Buck and Thurleen, married after graduating from
   Texas A&M, are driving from Dallas down to a motel in Austin for their
   honeymoon. Along the way, Buck reaches over and puts his hand on
   Thurleen's knee.
   
   Thurleen smiles, blushes and says, "Oh Buck, we're married now, you
   can go farther than that!"
   
   So he drove on to Laredo.

How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?

Most satisfactory!

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. 
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. 
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar. 
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." 
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.


The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him.  The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"


The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen 
   donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
 doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an
 advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like
 heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
 He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
 loss program.
 The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
 dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
 neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
 company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
 without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
 A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
 his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last
 time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
 does business.
 For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
 happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
 enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat
 more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
 calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
 loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
 like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
 be like this time.
 As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
 answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
 a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
 stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces
 herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
 reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
 shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
 her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is
 wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
 the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
 and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the
 sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
 losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
 Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
 subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
 you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
 rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
 felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
 door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
 and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
 of the weight loss company.
 The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting 
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after 
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I 
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then 
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted 
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"