Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young 
woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady 
whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A
moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. 
"Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. 
You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a
professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred
dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and
I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like 
you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go 
upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's 
something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish,
I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty
percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any
profit!"

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is 
using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he 
finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the 
line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the 
racquet out of your mouth." 

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help 
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I 
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a 
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," 
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. 
"Twice a day." 

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. 
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. 
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution." 

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.
She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."
He says, "That's not my ring...It's my wristwatch." 

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: 
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and 
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was 
Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it." 

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!"
"Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for
dinner!"
"Really?"
Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I 
wanna eat it!'"

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his 
father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out
a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard
a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's 
feet.
"What's this," she asked.
"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!" 

Do you know what a Yankee is?

Same as a quickie, except you're by yourself 

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts 
raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you 
going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, 
and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded. 

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? 

A: A tea bag.

How can ya tell when a woman has fucked too much?
Ya put yer thumb in her ass, AND yer middle-finger in her cunt...
Now, if ya can SNAP yer fingers, ya know she's been fucking too much..

How is sex like air?

It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any. 

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and 
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom 
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and 
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment, 
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third 
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there 
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest 
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike." 

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you 
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes,"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do 
you go to?"