A man goes to a doctor and says:
"Doctor, it's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"Gee, what are you taking for it?"
"Snuff."

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head
stuck.  The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the
other:
"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and 
starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When 
he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants 
some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs 
down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,
and he says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.  The next night, he
runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time 
while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts.  When they get 
done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were
greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got 
knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates 
chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.
Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick,
so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good
news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.
"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.
"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.
"And the bad news?"
"Mine died"

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?

Self-employed

Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We're necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. 
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as 
a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his 
new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I 
wonder how the girls are doing?" 

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?

Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked 

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here 
has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have 
had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three 
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty 
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand 
stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've 
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up 
suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'." 

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and 
reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" 

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some 
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and 
generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl 
started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your 
organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: 
"It's not used to playing in cathedrals." 

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go 
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to 
him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love 
almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost 
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love 
Tuesday..." 

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the 
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the 
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said 
the old man, "It means you can take your pick." 

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of 
each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. 
My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to 
see what flavour i was wearing.
The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",
The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",
The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"
"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"