Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local 
bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear 
about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up 
the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's 
me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of 
my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."
The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"
Jake says, "I fought 'em." 

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go 
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for 
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many 
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about 
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just 
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four." 

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies 
when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes 
between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side." 

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS
country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently.  "That's amazing.  Where I come from
there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one?  And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my 
pussy look like before you rooted it?"
The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."
"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted 
it?"
"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.

Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you
….swear you'll never do it again.

Two bikers were talking at a bar.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl 
says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his 
rubber broke.
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the 
last little piece of it out with dental floss."

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
   will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke 
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone 
by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink 
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. 

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her 
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. 

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to 
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of 
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another 
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your 
husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her 
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?


She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.

My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to
the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'd
been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe
when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even
more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a
clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no 
time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, 
my stomach, my....

-- She stopped.

"Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like
CHOCOLATE!"

Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. 
I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes 
and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. 
This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a 
new CD she'd bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the 
second track we were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face 
disappeared under the duvet.

"It does!", she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"

Two weeks into college I was still a virgin. I had, however, received 
twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as
'incredible', 'amazing', `Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by
mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse
myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor
rubbed off. It didn't.

I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which 
I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and 
gave me a salve.

Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have 
loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with 
me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who 
didn't know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the 
arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he 
got?", they seemed to ask themselves.
When the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new
year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen.
And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have
conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their 
eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over their 
lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. 
It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had 
started calling me Hob Nob.

When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy
Wonka.

Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that
just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. 
All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. 
About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All 
through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.

I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.
Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I did well 
and then I went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath 
of fresh air. Fantastic!

It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it 
would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to 
go out.
I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I 
heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She 
wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black 
jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists 
clenching to emphasize a point.

"Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus
only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do 
it, and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."

She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room 
mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know 
her.

Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, 
I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it 
all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old 
Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year 
after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like 
an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as 
they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with 
kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; 
sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field...

"No!" she said.

She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"

I stopped.

"Why not?", I asked.

"I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.
Not..."

"I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you 
to do it to me, ever."

"You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."

I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she
wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and
rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them apart slightly. She
resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --

I lifted my head up.

"Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.
He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After
riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said,
"Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?"
replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."

What do jello and a woman have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some. 
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?" 
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. 
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"