Q: What's a real mate?
A: Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one
….when he returns.

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for
a soldier and propositioned him. 
The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, 
as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you 
familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if
it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?

Call her up

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit 
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a 
tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

What do you get if you cross your missus with a pit bull?

Your very last headjob.

Q: What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch 
dick?
A: Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.

How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?

He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.

A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. 
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five 
fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."

This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by 
herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the 
dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, 
"You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the 
compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy 
replied.

How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?

When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you
….up the arse with her clitoris.

Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing 
thing that happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into 
bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse 
she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, 
lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. 
Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my 
eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the 
swimming team and didn't smoke.

What does a camera and a condom have in common?

They both capture that magic moment.

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie 
style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the 
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband 
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and 
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband 
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're 
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??

A. A submarine.

Sent by sam