A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn
out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his
apartment. 
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the
other. He realizes that the first one might get bored
watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. 
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love
to play your trombone." 
So she plays it while he screws her sister. 
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's
apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop
up and see that guy." 
The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?" 

A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give
him hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted
on his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's a
conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots
of pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he
paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so
he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him
what it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He had his dick stuck in the chicken.

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? 

They couldn't close his casket. 

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was 
showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned 
to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives 
flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. 
Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' 
says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" 

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women 
are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from 
their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting 
with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling 
shriek!

"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. 

"Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..." 

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? 

     Who cares? 

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an 
examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad 
news for you."

So the elephant says to the naked man . . .

"You breathe through that little thing?" 

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in 
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, 
unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against 
President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The 
spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with
a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate 
trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on 
shore.  Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold 
a genie popped out.
"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said.  "Since you have released me, 
I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, 
and I want to look my best.  I wish you would get rid of these love 
handles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie.  A wave of his hands, a puff of 
smoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.

This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.
The lawyer asked, "How long are you having a sexual relationship?" "Years,
I tell you years" she replied. " Thats no answer, you have to specify how
long has he intimated with you." "I don't know exactly, its average, about
six inches"

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook
saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he
cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and
ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the
cooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if
that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said,  "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"