A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very
well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment
for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he
asked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At a
time like this you want me to change positions?" 

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. 
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. 
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.  Without preamble the hooker
says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's
for a hand job."  "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man
exclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"  The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. 
"See that cherry red Maserati down there?  I own that because of what I can
do with my hands."  Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life.  After he recuperates he says to  the hooker, "God
that was fantastic!!  How much for a blowjob?"  "$2500," the hooker replied. 
"$2500 for a blowjob?"  Cried the astonished man.  "That's way too much!" 
Again the hooker summons the man to the window,  this time  pointing across
the street.  "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? 
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,
"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."  Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. 
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know.  How much
do you get for pussy?"  The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner?  I could own that if I had a pussy!"

Sent by TJ

Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob 

and a cheeseburger is?

Woman: No

Man: Lets have lunch sometime...

Sent by jim

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family 
doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and 
in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is 
cockeyed."

What does pizza delivery man and
a gynaecologist have in common?

Both can smell it but can't eat it

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and 
showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree.  I remember the day 
plainly.  It was a warm summer day.  She and I were so much 
in love.  We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes.  It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was 
standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!!  What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. 

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new 
Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. 

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you 
have no one worth writing to."

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it
hurt!..................

So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet 
young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. 
Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* 
time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of 
cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in 
front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he 
couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, 
it's ok. She's not here!"

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking 
at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." 

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" 

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I 
laughed at your dick' cards?" 

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full. 

Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?

A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie. 

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has
to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,
two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second
dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,
"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,
"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed." 

Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. 
It's her turn to guess the word. 
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick! 
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place? 
Her partner: No. 
Nancy: Is it a person? 
Her partner: No. 
Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I
might want to eat? 
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe. 
Nancy: Is it black dick?

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch. 

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers.
That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend." 

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"