What's green and smells like pig?

     - Kermit's fingers. 

Two men were talking to each other about how pussy taste.
The first guy said"I think it taste like cherry pie".The
other guy said "I think it taste like shit".Then
the first guy said "you are supposed to turn her over".

Sent by Don Chamberlin

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was 
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up 
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good 
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever 
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's 
your excuse then?"

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were 
getting ready to go out on dates. The first 
beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm 
here to pick up Betty. We're going for 
spaghetti, is she ready?" 
No. The second beau came to the door and said, 
"I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to 
the show. Is she ready to go?" 
No. The third beau came to the door and said to 
the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck. 

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?" 

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? 

     A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. 

A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.
It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says..... 

     "Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?" 

The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back
at the little girl and winks.... 

     "When your mommy goes to the mall!" 

What's the difference between hard and light? 

     - You can sleep with a light on. 

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became
flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to
hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it
from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel
put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because
it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't
dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels
are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted. 

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate
music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen." 

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? 

     He forgot to wrap his whopper. 

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old
broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!" 
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!" 

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?



A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawl.

Sent by Josh

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window. 
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."