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A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his
neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's
his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked
the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,
and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the
butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,
"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up
a package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get
at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before
tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the
dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house
where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."
"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.
"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high
strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
German Shepard on Golf Course
A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when
his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.
Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their
relationship had been purely platonic.
They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse
where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.
Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran
up and threw a bucket of water on them.
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a god!
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For
no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink
with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago
wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching
there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and
he heard it two
more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber
said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora"
said the robber.
"The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The
first mouse slams
down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into
one on purpose and as
it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty
times." And with that
he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with
that he slams another
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
two mice look at
each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell
are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
to cross the street,
when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
retrieves a doggie biscuit
which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
dog just pissed all
down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
going to teach him
much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his
head so I can kick his ass!"
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
excited by this,
was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the
blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room.
Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time
you've gone too far!"
"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try
your luck?" replied
the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
her. Within five
minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the
lion was drinking in the
bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out,
and can hardly hold
himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
down his throat and
said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the
giraffe, what happened
after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
dinner, had a couple
of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the
night. And oh, man!
I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so
the lion. "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the
screwing, I must have run a
Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as
fast as Rudolph,
he just couldn't stop as fast.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
hamster is also a ventriloquist."
What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his
old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
looked so down and
dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
Chris, how ya
doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
looked sad before, at
the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
sell a tractor these days
to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
soon, or else I'll lose that
dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it
worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
morning to milk
Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
sooner did I sit
down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
the rafters, and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
get two squirts into the
bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
did that upset
me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
side of the milking stall,
and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
Bessy's about livid, and she
doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
hind leg. I wasn't about
to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
tied up Bessy's left leg
to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally
get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
If you can convince my
wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
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