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Main Archives Jokes Category: Animal World

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21
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A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his
neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's
his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked
the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,
and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the
butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,
"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up
a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get
at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before
tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the
dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house
where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

22
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Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high
strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

23
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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution." 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. 
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

24
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and 
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a 
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the 
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I 
wish you could talk." 
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and 
down. 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it 
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his 
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes." 
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking 
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

25
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A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
   couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
   "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
   The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
   his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
   They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
   "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
   "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
   you everytime!"


26
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   German Shepard on Golf Course
   
   A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when
   his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.
   Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their
   relationship had been purely platonic.
   They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse
   where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.
   Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran
   up and threw a bucket of water on them.


27
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   Footless Parrot

   A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
   communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
   thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
   specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
   notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
   onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
   is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
   The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
   I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
   The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
   The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
   If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
   The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
   comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
   won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
   home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
   and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
   The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
   came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
   her right on the lips."
   The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
   The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
   did??!"
   The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
   on her breasts."
   The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
   The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."


28
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   This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
   in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
   "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
   man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
   service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
   Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
   some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
   gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
   Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
   cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
   on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
   guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
   Chihuahua."


29
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   THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS
   A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
   must be gods!
   A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
   me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
   must be a god!


30
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There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For 
no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink 
with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago 
wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, 
sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

31
Email Friend
 
   A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching
   you!" "who's
   there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and
   he heard it two
   more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber
   asked. "Cocodora"
   said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora"
   said the robber.
   "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.
   


32
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   Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The
   first mouse slams
   down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into
   one on purpose and as
   it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty
   times." And with that
   he slams another shot.
   The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
   those Decon
   tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with
   that he slams another
   shot.
   The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
   two mice look at
   each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell
   are you going?"
   The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
   


33
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   A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
   to cross the street,
   when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
   herringbone tweed
   trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
   retrieves a doggie biscuit
   which he starts to offer to Fido.
   A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
   happening and
   interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
   dog just pissed all
   down the leg of your pants?"
   "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
   blind man.
   "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
   going to teach him
   much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
   To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
   just trying to find his
   head so I can kick his ass!"
   


34
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   One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
   discover a
   female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
   gained the
   mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
   mouse repeated
   his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
   excited by this,
   was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
   his wife but
   before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
   head with the
   blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
   you about this."
   "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
   you!"
   


35
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   Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room.
   "My God
   Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time
   you've gone too far!"
   "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
   



The jokes continue below

 


36
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   A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
   giraffe walked in.
   "Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try
   your luck?" replied
   the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
   her. Within five
   minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the
   lion was drinking in the
   bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out,
   and can hardly hold
   himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
   down his throat and
   said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the
   giraffe, what happened
   after that? Was she all right?"
   The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
   dinner, had a couple
   of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the
   night. And oh, man!
   I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so
   exhausted?" asked
   the lion. "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the
   screwing, I must have run a
   thousand miles!"
   


37
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   Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as
   fast as Rudolph,
   he just couldn't stop as fast.
   


38
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   A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
   bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
   my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
   pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
   bar,
   and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
   i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
   bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
   table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
   right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
   bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
   "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
   hamster is also a ventriloquist."
   


39
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   What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
   1) You only get laid once.
   2) You only get eaten once.
   3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
   4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
   5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
   


40
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   Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
   should he see, but his
   old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
   looked so down and
   dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
   Chris, how ya
   doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
   looked sad before, at
   the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
   to his eye.
   "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
   sell a tractor these days
   to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
   soon, or else I'll lose that
   dealership for good."
   "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
   got it bad, I got it
   worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
   morning to milk
   Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
   sooner did I sit
   down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
   slappin' me with her tail.
   After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
   the rafters, and tied ol'
   Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
   get two squirts into the
   bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
   did that upset
   me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
   side of the milking stall,
   and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
   Bessy's about livid, and she
   doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
   hind leg. I wasn't about
   to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
   tied up Bessy's left leg
   to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
   his beer.
   Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
   "Well, did you finally
   get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
   If you can convince my
   wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
   ya....!"
   


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