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Main Archives Jokes Category: Animal World

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1
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                        How To Give Your Cat a Pill
     
   
1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
    kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.
2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
    mouth with right forefinger.
4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)
5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
    over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
    mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
    your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
    doing. That's just as well.
6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.  If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.  Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
    and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
    anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9.  This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
    claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
    woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
  


2
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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
   front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
   the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
   his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
   in the sheer dress.
   
   The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
   poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
   flirt w/the ape.
   
   She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
   would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
   straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
   to tear the bars down.
   
   The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
   thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
   you have a headache."


3
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Hungry Snake 


Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon 
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a 
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him 
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no 
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing. 


An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. 
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms 
in his mouth... 



4
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A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting 
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after 
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I 
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then 
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted 
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

5
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What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"


6
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What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)


7
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How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.


8
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What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Squash


9
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How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.


10
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How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.


11
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Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.


12
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How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".


13
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What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
Swim for it...


14
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What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room!


15
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Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                     culture
                 or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                     With His Elephants
The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.



The jokes continue below

 


16
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How to Catch a White Elephant
                   =============================
                 Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen

Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.


17
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The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
    British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
    Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
    Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
    Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
    People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
    the Soviet Elephant"

And  submited a poem "The Joy and
    Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
    wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"


18
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Top 15 Household Pet Dishes



15> Angelfish Cake
14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13> Chow Chow Mein
12> Bran Muffy
11> Eggs BenjiDict
10> Yorkieshire pudding
 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs
 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
 7> Shrimp Cockatiel
 6> Fettucine AlFido
 5> Chicken Poodle Soup
 4> Turtlellini
 3> Lhasa Thermidor
 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
 1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

   [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
   [  *To forward or repost, please include this section.*  ]
   [ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]



19
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A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees 
a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.  He says, 
"What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all 
his feathers got  singed off, so the wife made him some 
clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than 
watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his 
pants down with the other."

20
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A horse and a rabbit 

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull
yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes!


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