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Proctologists



      Of all the professions we fear, one stands out.  No, it's not
 "mortician;" by then it's too late.  This is a word that makes a
 certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation.  Yes, the word is
 "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word!  The mere mention of the word
 strikes terror deep inside most of us.  9 1/2 of every 10 adults
 would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger.  (Source: I
 Made It Up Survey)  The other half is into that sort of thing.

   Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass."  Did you
 ever wonder who was the first proctologist?  My research shows it was
 Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
 boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life
 to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is
 taken, I'll start at the other end."

    Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
 After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash-
 ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
 left hand.  He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc,
 I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it?  But he's
 one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political
 convention.

    Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
 jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here.  I have given a
 considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
 people's concept of these doctors of the down under.

 o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
   tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
   their fingernails removed.
 o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
   of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
   exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
 o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
     "Let our fingers do the walking."
     "We'll bend over backwards for you."
     "Please, take my seat."
     "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning."
     "It looks like the End."
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
   like:
      "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar."
      "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you."
      "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!"
      "Yes, I see a family resemblance."
      "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low."
      "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..."
      "Out of K-Y Jelly?  Oh well, let's do a dry run."
      "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet."
      "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove."
      "How long have you had this crack in your butt?"
      "I see you had pizza last night."
      "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?"
      "Ah, you must be gay."
      "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?"
      "Ooops, I think I lost my  watch."
      "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!"
      "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my  bill."
      "Gee, I hope I can get this out."
      "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?"
      "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu






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