Waiting for the president to check out
by Melvin Durai, 2006-08-18


Other columns by Melvin Durai

Unfortunately, tyrants seem to live longer than the rest of the population, unless they're in prison, charged with crimes against humanity, in which case, like Slobodan Milosevic, they check out early. Any day now, we will read Saddam's obituary: "Saddam Hussein, often referred to as the 'Iraqi strongman,' collapsed and died yesterday after sustaining what doctors are describing as a 'severe paper cut.' According to witnesses, Hussein was reading a newspaper when he suddenly screamed and keeled over. He was apparently hurt by some sharp criticism."

Robert Mugabe has held onto power for 26 years, largely by practicing a form of democracy familiar to people in several African countries and the state of Florida. He is 82 years old and still going strong, still capable of leading his country out of the swamp and into the quicksand. If you think he makes poor decisions now, just wait until he hits 102.

Mugabe: "Mongo, you've been very loyal to me. I'm going to appoint you the new Minister of National Security. What do you think of that?"

Mongo: "Woof! Woof! Woof!"

Mugabe: "Yes, Mongo, you'll get a big house with a large yard. You'll be the top dog in my Cabinet. You can snap at the opposition and hound the media."

Mongo: "Woof! Woof! Woof!"

Mugabe: "What's that you say? You think I'm a great man, just as great as the inventor of the flea collar? Why, thank you, Mongo. I appreciate it. You can stop embracing my leg now."

In case you're wondering, Zimbabwe does have term limits. No one can serve as president for longer than 80 years. But Comrade Mugabe, as he's often called, will likely introduce a constitutional amendment as soon as he turns 136.

Fortunately, Zimbabweans probably won't have to wait that long to see new leadership. Mugabe may step down in 2008, when his current term expires. According to a New Yorker article, he is building a $10 million retirement home, a Serbian-designed Pagoda-style villa. He will probably anoint one of his henchmen as his successor, then sit back and watch in glee: "Ha ha. And they thought I was bad."

That's the problem with waiting for a tyrant to die: just as you're about to celebrate, another tyrant comes along, one who has studied well under his master.

The celebrations start early in some cases, as when Cuba's government announced that Fidel Castro, 80, had undergone surgery for intestinal bleeding and was temporarily ceding power to his younger brother Raul, who is only 75. Some Cubans, members of the Optimists Club, began popping champagne and dancing in circles, singing, "He's dead! He's dead! Our beloved leader is dead!"

But nobody celebrated publicly inside Cuba, not surprising in a country where you're either for Fidel or an infidel. Many Cubans were saddened that their leader of 47 years was ailing, but some expressed hope that he would recover and lead the country into the next century.

Perhaps their prayers have been answered, for Castro is recovering gradually, according to his brother. You can bet your last Zimbabwean dollar that Comrade Mugabe has sent a "get well" card to Comrade Castro, saying, "Hope you'll be back in good health soon, comrade. You are my role model. Compared to you, I've had a very short presidency."

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

Other columns by Melvin Durai

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