Searching far and wide for a bride
by Melvin Durai, 2006-04-22


Other columns by Melvin Durai

Son: "My dear parents, I am ready to get married. Please help me find a bride."

Mother: "You are ready to get married already? But my son, you are only 50. Can't you wait a few more years?"

Father: "Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. If you wait a few more years, there will be more brides available. The government is opening special laboratories to create more females. It is a process called cloning."

Son: "But they are cloning sheep. I do not want to marry a sheep."

Mother: "Son, you are 50. You cannot be too choosy."

Father: "Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. You should look at the positive side: A sheep has plenty of wool. It will keep you warm at night."

Son: "No, I can't do it. I can't settle for anything but a human."

Father: "You have high standards, son. But we expected this. That is why we've made arrangements to introduce you to someone special."

Son: "Someone special? Is this really true, Father?"

Father: "Yes, it's true, son. We will introduce you to a special inspector named Ying-Ming. He is looking for a companion too."

Son: "Did you say 'he'? I hope you meant to say 'she'!"

Father: "He, she, what's the difference? Together, you will still be 'we.' Ying-Ming is very rich, son. While most Chinese men have been busy searching for brides, he has been busy searching for bribes."

Son: "But I do not want a 'he'! I am straight!"

Mother: "Opposites attract, my son. You are straight and he is crooked. You will be happy together."

Father: "Your mother speaks with the wisdom of age, son. You should look at the positive side: Ying-Ming has plenty of wool blankets. He will keep you warm at night. What do you say, son?"

Son: "How soon will the cloning take place?"

Father: "Ah, that's better, son. I knew you would come around. It's important to be open-minded. There are only a few brides and their demands are impossibly high: they want a man who is not just rich and handsome, but who also stops his car to ask for directions."

Mother: "In all my years, I have never met such a man."

Son: "Not on this planet. But how did this happen, this terrible shortage of women?"

Father: "I blame it on the government. They created the one-child policy to control the population. They knew we would turn it into the one-boy policy, which would really control the population. Don't blame us: all we wanted was one boy."

Son: "Don't blame me: All I want is one girl. Is it an impossible dream?"

Father: "Well, there are two other options. You can find another man, put your savings together, and pay for a sex change operation. Ying-Ming does not want to do it. We already asked. But he is willing to wear a dress on weekends. He will even shave his mustache -- if you insist."

Son: "Ying-Ming is a ding-a-ling. What's the other option?"

Father: "You can go to America."

Son: "America? Are there many brides there?"

Father: "Well, once you are settled in America, you can do what many American men do: get yourself a mail-order bride from the Philippines."

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

Other columns by Melvin Durai

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