Borrowing eggs from the eggheads next door
by Melvin Durai, 2006-02-10


Other columns by Melvin Durai

How nice, I thought, getting an egg from the neighbor. I'd love to have a neighbor who could occasionally supply me with food. "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Hinkle," I'd say, "but we seem to have run out of meat. Got a steak you can spare? Just one will do."

We're always running out of stuff in our kitchen, especially milk (we need to get ourselves a cow), eggs (we need to get ourselves a hen) and ice cream (we need to get ourselves a diet). But if I went to the neighbors, they'd open their door cautiously, then give me a look that says, "I hope you're not here to rob us. That would not be a wise thing to do, because we know where you live."

The conversation would be rather awkward.

Me: "Sorry to bother you. We've run out of eggs. Do you think I could borrow one?"

Male neighbor: "Sure, but you do know there's a grocery store down the road? Not that we mind lending you an egg. I mean, it's only one egg, right?"

Female voice from inside: "Who is it, honey?"

Male: "It's the neighbor, honey. He wants to borrow an egg."

Female: "An egg? Did you tell him there's a grocery store right down the road?"

Male: "Yes, I did, honey. But he seems to want one of OUR eggs."

Female: "There's also a farm in the other direction. I think they have eggplants."

Male neighbor: "It's okay, honey. I'll lend him one of OURS. Do you think you could draw up a loan contract?"

It wasn't too long ago that everyone knew their neighbors and borrowing food and other items was common practice. But these days, most people don't get anything from the neighbors, other than a little fertilizer for the lawn. And that's only because of the generosity of the neighbors' dog.

When you ask some folks about their neighbors, they speak as if they're operating competing stores at the mall: "I've got a pretty good neighbor. He minds his own business and I mind mine."

That's not exactly how I'd define a good neighbor. I've got other criteria:

Good neighbor: Keeps an eye on your house.
Bad neighbor: Keeps an eye on your wife.

Good neighbor: Eager to give you a piece of her apple pie.
Bad neighbor: Eager to give you a piece of her mind.

Good neighbor: Asks if you can turn your music up.
Bad neighbor: Asks if you can burn your music up.

Good neighbor: Offers to help you scrape your driveway when it freezes over.
Bad neighbor: Offers to help you scrape your driveway when hell freezes over.

I'd love to have a good neighbor, one who's willing to give me the shirt off his back. That would be wonderful, especially when the laundry starts to pile up. "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Hinkle, but we seem to have run out of clothes. Got a shirt you can spare? The one on your back looks rather nice."

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

Other columns by Melvin Durai

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