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British potato farmers are miffed about the term "couch potato" and want it removed from the Oxford English Dictionary. They believe that the term, which originated as American slang, has hurt the reputation of the potato industry. And they're absolutely right, especially when you consider how much damage the term "lazy butt" caused to the cigarette industry. And let's not forget the expression "chill out," which almost ruined the sauna industry. "Couch potato" has caused immeasurable harm, not only to innocent potato farmers everywhere but also to couch-dwelling men like me. So what if we spend countless hours on our backs watching TV -- that doesn't give anyone the right to compare us to a vegetable. We are living, breathing human beings, capable of deep thought and occasional movement. Just try to grab the remote and you'll see. Being compared to a vegetable is downright scary. First they call you a vegetable and the next thing you know, they're having a national debate on whether to keep you alive. Democrat: "Look how unresponsive he is, particularly during football games. Just the other day, when he didn't respond to his wife's calls, she had no choice but to perform CPR on him. She finally managed to detect a pulse, but only in the finger touching the remote. Doctors have diagnosed him with irreversible couch potatoitis. He's just a vegetable hooked to a tube. He can't survive without the boob tube. His wife is reluctant to unplug it, but believes it's the right thing to do, especially since it would free up valuable couch space." Republican: "I can't believe what I'm hearing. This man is so full of life. Look at the way his eyes widen when a cheerleader appears on the screen. And what about his tongue -- it's been hanging out ever since Janet Jackson performed at the Super Bowl. You might argue that he's unable to pull it back in, but I say that he's a man who loves to taste life." Democrat: "How can you taste life when you're lying on a couch all day? You have to move around to experience life, you have to be willing to stick your head above your feet. Couch potatoes like him have given up on their own lives and are surviving on other people's lives through the tube. They're like parasites, but with fewer motor skills." To prevent such drama, I've decided to speak out on behalf of all self-respecting couch-dwellers everywhere. We strongly support the British potato farmers' bid to have "couch potato" removed from the Oxford English Dictionary. In fact, we believe this offensive term should be banned not only from public speech but also from the lips of wives and girlfriends. Anyone using this term should be given the couch potato treatment. They should be strapped to a couch and pelted with potatoes. We'd like to suggest a few better terms that can be used to describe us: horizontal human, couch slouch and sofa loafer. We'd also like to encourage everyone to use the word "potato" in a positive manner, the way potato farmers do. Farmer Brown: "We farmers move around a lot, but not as much as the actress Angelina Jolie. She's such an active potato." Farmer Jones: "I heard she adopted an orphan from Ethiopia. What a caring potato!" Farmer Hefner: "Yeah, but did you see the pictures of her sunbathing on the beach in her bikini? Man, I've never seen such nice potatoes."
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That's no potato on the couch