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Some of my friends are having their homes cleaned regularly by maids -- and I'm thinking of doing it, too. I'm sure I could scrounge up enough money to buy a mop and a wig. Melvin's Maid Service has a nice ring to it, but so does Durai Dusting. I've already thought of a good slogan: "We'll clean every speck, you write the big check." Or how's this: "We'll clean your mess, even if we have to cross-dress." There's money to be made in cleaning and I wouldn't mind some of it. I do a lot of cleaning at home, but my only reward is the look of disgust on my daughters' faces. They'd rather live in a pig sty, especially if they can roll around with the pig. If I could get my wife to pay for maid service, I'd be in business. In a few months, I'd fire the maids, do the cleaning myself, and spend the money on beer. (Ginger beer, that is. Non-alcoholic Jamaican ginger beer, with a bite worse than Mike Tyson's.) My standards, of course, aren't as high as the professionals'. When I clean, I remove only a portion of the dust, the top two layers or so. Professional maids don't tolerate any kind of dirt, as I realized when I heard a friend imploring her children: "Kids! Please try to clean up. The maid will be coming soon!" One of the largest maid services in America is called Merry Maids. They show up in a group, clean your home in a couple of hours, then go on their merry way. When guests come over, they're so impressed. Guest: "Your house is spotless. And it has that smell I really like, eau de disinfectant." Host: "Thank you. We use Merry Maids. They're always smiling." Guest: "Really? We use Ecstatic Maids. They're always giddy with joy and mirth." Second guest: "Really? We use ROTFL Maids. They're always rolling on the floor laughing. That's how it gets so clean." Most people don't really care how merry their maids are, as long as they do a good job and don't help themselves to anything. Maid: "Mary, I just finished cleaning Dr. Patel's house and look what I got: Four gold necklaces, three diamond rings, two Rolex watches and an autographed picture of some guy named Amitabh!" Friend: "Wow, Gina! You really cleaned up!" Amitabh Bachchan, the renowned Indian actor, can afford hundreds of maids. But in countries like India and Zambia, where I've lived, you don't have to be wealthy to have a maid or servant. It might cost you less than you spend on your internet connection -- and with fewer breaks in service. Just imagine the possibilities. You can have one servant to cook for you, another to clean for you, and a third to exercise for you. In America, with minimum-wage and other laws, middle-class folks who want to take it easy at home must turn to the only source of cheap labor that's readily available to them: their children. When the youngsters are done with their homework, they'd better do some home work. American boy (chatting on Internet): "Sorry, Miguel, I've gotta go. My mom wants me to get our dishwasher loaded." Mexican boy: "Really, Jeremy? Our dishwasher gets loaded only on Friday nights. You should see him staggering around."
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Life's merry with a maid