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I, Melvin Durai, being of sound mind and body, and concerned about the possibility of being kept alive in a vegetative state, either through a ventilator or other means, hereby declare that no judge or politician shall have a say in any decision regarding my life. Any such decision shall be made solely by consulting a Living Will -- either Will Smith or Will Ferrell. If neither of these actors is alive or able to exercise their "willpower," then this document shall serve as the final authority in determining whether to keep me alive, unless of course my wife still wants me around for tax purposes. She has the right to keep me alive, but not to disconnect my ventilator or remove my feeding tube, unless she and my children decide that it would minimize the suffering, lessen the pain, for them to collect my life insurance. It is important, however, that I express my wishes, even if my wife has the right to overrule them, as she takes great pleasure in doing. I do not want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, even if that state happens to be Florida. The vegetation in a state is immaterial to me, especially if I'm stuck in a hospital bed. The only vegetation that interests me these days is that Bush in Washington D.C. I do not want to be kept alive if I'm judged to be brain-dead, never mind that most people have already made that judgment. Medical doctors are well-qualified to make this determination, but I'd like to give them some pointers, in case they're reluctant to jeopardize my hospital lease. I am probably brain-dead if any of the following occurs:
Whether or not I am brain-dead, I do not want a feeding tube inserted into me, unless the tube is big enough to carry a pizza. I want to have pizza regularly -- and by "regularly," I mean three times a day. My feeding schedule will be as follows: Breakfast: pizza topped with sausage. Lunch: pizza topped with pepperoni. Dinner: pizza topped with meatloaf, steak and tandoori chicken. If I must have a feeding tube, I also want a drinking tube, preferably one that's connected to a bottle of Chardonnay. A little champagne now and then would suit me fine, too. Moderation is the key and I hereby appoint Boris Yeltsin as my moderator. He will be in charge of my drinking tube, with Ted Kennedy as the first alternate. I would be remiss if I didn't mention organ donation. I want all my organs donated: my eyes to a blind person, my lungs to a cancer patient, my brain to one of those motorcyclists who don't wear helmets. In conclusion, I would like to thank my lawyer, who recommended that I write this document, so that there will be no confusion whatsoever. To him, I leave my drinking tube.
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Don't keep me alive, unless ...