Prison reform, the Martha Stewart way
by Melvin Durai, 2005-03-17


Other columns by Melvin Durai

As you may have heard, I recently completed a five-month sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia. While there, I enjoyed a number of pleasant activities, such as the 10 p.m. yoga class, which helped me reshape my body, and the 11 p.m. security search, which helped me show it off.

But I also encountered some conditions that can only be described as appalling, such as the cafeteria food, which was so distasteful, I actually felt like digging a tunnel. No, not to escape, but to search for rodents.

Thanks to the food, I lost 20 pounds. And I discovered a cure for the obesity that ails America, a radical concept known as "not eating." Prison food is a lot like fast food -- it makes you want to fast. At least that's what I told my chef when I gave him a big hug.

But the prison food wasn't the worst thing I put into my mouth, though I'd rather not get that friendly guard into trouble. I'm sure he meant well when he lent me his calfskin gloves.

The gloves weren't tasty, but at least they were soft, which is more than I can say about the toilet paper. I found it inferior and unacceptable, though I did manage to put it to good use, creating some attractive birthday cards.

If the food and toilet paper sound terrible, you should have seen the Internet connection. Not only was it difficult to get online, I often had to share the keyboard with my crazy prison friend, who would sit beside me and say, "You use the left side, I'll use the right."

I realize that the purpose of prison is to punish people, but isn't it enough that we don't have access to our Jacuzzis? A shower isn't quite as refreshing as a whirlpool, especially when someone keeps snapping a towel at your bottom.

Anyway, I made up my mind that once I was released, I would fight for prison reform. I wouldn't let my fellow prisoners down, especially those who went out of their way to protect me, without expecting anything in return, aside from an occasional stock tip.

I would like to focus on important improvements, those that will have an impact on almost every prisoner's life. As such, I suggest the following:

• An open bar in the cafeteria. A glass of wine would make the food a lot more palatable. If necessary, we can limit consumption to one glass at lunch and dinner and only half a glass at breakfast.
• A massage parlor in every prison. There's nothing like a good massage to help relieve the stress of being a criminal.
• High-speed Internet in every cell. We've taken away so many rights from prisoners. Do we also need to take away the right to blog? Everyone does it these days, even my pet dog.
• King-size beds. Those bunk beds are far too narrow, especially when your crazy prison friend says, "You use the left side, I'll use the right."
• Free subscriptions to the New York Times. Prisoners would really enjoy the Times, not for its hard news, but for its soft paper.

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

Other columns by Melvin Durai

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