While you're working on your New Year's resolutions, just be glad you're not a dog. If your resolutions fail, you have to wait just one year to do it again, but for a dog, that's seven years. The pressure to succeed is enormous, especially for high-achieving dogs. I know such a dog, whose 25 resolutions, in six important areas, may inspire you to aim higher.
Personal Hygiene:
I resolve to floss my teeth several times a day, whenever I get hold of the cat's tail.
I resolve to take a bath once a week, dry myself on the
grass and perfume myself by rolling on the dead squirrel in
the backyard.
I resolve to lick myself regularly in a private place,
such as the middle of the living room.
I resolve to do something about my bad breath: neutralize it with my body odor.
Diet and Exercise:
I resolve to be more picky about what I eat. From now on, no leather shoes, unless the mailman's feet are in them.
I resolve to go on the Atkins Diet and stay on it until
I'm absolutely tired of eating meat.
I resolve to pay attention to expiry dates and not eat
mice and other rodents more than a year after they expired.
I resolve to drink six bowls of water a day, even if I
have to stand on two feet to reach the flush handle.
I resolve to be more choosy about which balls I run
after. From now on, no tennis balls or golf balls -- only
meatballs.
I resolve to never run after sticks, unless they happen
to be cheese sticks.
Finding Purpose in Life:
I resolve to leave my mark on the world. Or at least on
the carpet.
I resolve to aim high and shoot for the top. No fire
hydrant is too tall.
I resolve to stop barking up the wrong tree -- and start
sleeping under it.
I resolve to have big dreams. They make sleeping
worthwhile.
I resolve to allow other creatures of the house to get
plenty of sleep, too. I fully support my owner if he decides to put the cat to sleep.
Service to Others:
I resolve to fetch the paper for my owner more often,
even if the darn paper boy keeps throwing it in the
neighbor's yard.
I resolve to help my owner with my superior sense of
smell, barking loudly to warn him whenever the neighbor
takes off his socks.
I resolve to take my owner for long walks, pulling him in many directions so his entire body gets exercise and he
realizes the benefit of driving me around in his car.
I resolve to stick my head out of the car window, so
everyone will know who is in charge. And other dogs walking
on the road will see me and realize how much they too can
achieve.
Education and Enlightenment:
I resolve to devour at least one book a week. And tear
through a magazine every day.
I resolve to absorb as much wisdom as I can from the tall white machine in the kitchen. It knows the secret of getting humans to put lots of food in it.
I resolve to figure out why, when I'm so warm and
friendly, my owner still tolerates the cat.
Moral Values:
I resolve to save myself for that special dog and not get tempted by my owner's leg.
I resolve to do unto others as I would have them do unto
me, as long as "others" does not include fire hydrants.
I resolve to care about underprivileged dogs, the ones
without a roof over their heads, without food in their
stomachs, without a chauffeur to drive them around.
Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.
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Resolving to be a better dog