Iraqi leaders debate hot issues
by Melvin Durai, 2004-12-17


Other columns by Melvin Durai

Moderator: "Good evening and welcome to this historic debate. My name is Khalid Allawi. First, let me introduce the candidates. On my right is Dr. Ayad Allawi, interim prime minister of Iraq, first leader of our free nation, a great man who is not just a champion of our people, but also happens to be the best uncle anyone can hope for. Let me emphasize that he and I have not discussed any of the questions in today's debate. We have discussed only the answers. The honorable Dr. Allawi, as you all know, is the nominee of the GOP (Grand Oil Party). Directly in front of me is Mr. Adnan Pachachi, nominee of the Organization for Iraqi Liberation (OIL). On my left is Mr. Jahan Khoury, nominee of the Organization of Iraqi Liberals for Freedom, Inclusiveness, Equality and Land Development (OILFIELD). Gentlemen, before we begin the debate, here's a special message from our sponsor."

Voiceover: "During a time of great turmoil, Dr. Ayad Allawi stepped forward to lead the nation against its enemies. And now Iraq needs him more than ever. He will make national security a top priority, fight terrorists wherever they are and keep everyone safe from the evil ones. I'm George W. Bush and I approved this message."

Moderator: "Thank you, President Bush. My first question is for Mr. Jahan Khoury. How can you run for prime minister when you have called the liberation of your homeland the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time?"

Khoury: "Because I have a plan. I have a plan to free this country from American occupation, I have a plan to revive the economy, and I have a plan to reward American companies that send their jobs here."

Moderator: "That's all well and good, Mr. Khoury, but if it wasn't for the war, Saddam Hussein would still be in power and you wouldn't be running for prime minister. You'd be running for your life. Don't you agree?"

Khoury: "Of course I agree. That's why I supported the war before I decided to oppose it."

Moderator: "The next question is for Dr. Allawi. Regarding your plan to resuscitate the economy, do you have any priorities?"

Allawi: "My priority is oil: finding more of it, drilling for it and selling it."

Moderator: "Any other priorities?"

Allawi: "Well, my other priority is to convince Americans to drive bigger cars. They are our friends and have been trying hard in recent years to increase their country's dependence on oil. If elected, I will visit America and urge them to try even harder. Our economy needs them."

Moderator: "The next question is for Mr. Pachachi. Gay marriage is a controversial issue around the world. Do you believe that homosexuality is a choice?"

Pachachi: "Let me just say this: If you ask Dick Cheney's daughter, she will tell you that it's not a choice. She was born that way."

Khoury: "Hey, you stole my answer! Dick Cheney's daughter is my example. Find your own lesbian, Mr. Pachachi!"

Allawi: "Shut up, both of you. You have no right to bring up something so personal, so private in this debate. Besides, Dick Cheney's daughter supports ME! And so should all lesbians who don't believe in equal rights."

Moderator: "My final question is for Dr. Allawi. If elected, who will you appoint to your cabinet? And will you save a position for your favorite nephew?"

Allawi: "Well, I haven't really thought about my next cabinet, but I do plan to create a position for someone very special to me. Yes, you guessed it: Dick Cheney's daughter!"

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

Other columns by Melvin Durai

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