Falling in love by accent
by Melvin Durai, 2004-11-27


Other columns by Melvin Durai

Needless to say, I was envious. I've always wanted to have that kind of effect on women. Just open my mouth and have them falling at my feet, begging me to say more. But as luck would have it, only one woman has ever fallen at my feet after I opened my mouth -- and she was begging me to try a breath mint.

I've tried enchanting women with an accent, but the only accents that come naturally to me, the only accents I can pull off, haven't endeared me to a single woman, even when I've gone so far as to say, "Vat a lowely voman you are!"

If I were Irish, I'd be sweeping women off their feet every chance I got: "Whart a lurvely worman ya arre!" Of course, I'd save my best line for my wife: "Whart a sirksee marn ya mahreed!"

If that doesn't make sense to you, please bear with me. After all, I've spent most of my time lately taking care of my two young daughters, so my exposure to Irish isn't quite as extensive as my exposure to gibberish.

Unfortunately, there were no Irish teachers at my high school in Zambia, so I didn't enjoy the benefit of having a sexy accent rub off on me. One of my teachers was from India and ordered my classmates and I, whenever we misbehaved, to "shaddup and shid down." Another teacher was Zambian and told us we could improve our drawing skills with a little more "prackatice." A third teacher was from England and his pronunciations were strangest of all. How sad, that he couldn't speak his native tongue clearly.

My accent today is a mixture of all three, with a little American thrown in. In terms of its sex appeal, on a scale of one to 10, I'd put it at minus-five. Below Barney the dinosaur, but well above Teresa Heinz-Kerry.

Of course, John Kerry probably loves his wife's accent, especially when she pronounces certain words, such as "primary beneficiary." And my wife probably loves my accent, especially when I whisper something exciting in her ear: "Honey, I think there's an Irishman at the door."

Along with the Irish, people seem to go crazy about the Scottish and French accents, but surely there's something appealing about every accent. I mean, the Indian accent may not seem particularly sexy, but wait until NBC produces a reality show called "The Programmer." Ten Indian computer experts compete for the chance to get a job at Microsoft, joining ten zillion others. Soon every woman would find her heart palpitating whenever she hears the words "softvare enjunyer."

We need to take more pride in our accents, whether we speak like Arnold Schwarzenegger or whether people can actually understand us. After all, our accents are part of our identity, part of what makes us special. That's a message I'm trying to emphasize to everyone -- not just to Liam, my new private tutor.

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based, India-born writer and humorist whose weekly humor columns entertain thousands of people in more than 90 countries.

Other columns by Melvin Durai

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