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This classic Scott Green column was originally published October 31, 2007. Scott returns from vacation with an all-new column Monday, November 2. It's Halloween again, the time of year American children go trick-or-treating only to have their candy taken away because there might be a razor blade in there. This was the warning when I was little, anyway. I also used to be told not to eat fruit, in case it was poisoned. This was unnecessary advice to give a nine-year-old. I was more likely to eat those religious pamphlets. But my point is, Halloween has its share of disappointments. My friend Ellen told me about the lousy Halloween tradition observed in her family: her mother used to make her divide the candy into two equal piles, and while Ellen slept, the "Halloween Fairy" took half in exchange for a gift. "It was usually some crappy coloring book or something," Ellen said. To see how it has come to this, we should examine the origins of Halloween. Hundreds of years ago, around harvest time, Gaelic communities would celebrate with a great festival at which townspeople would come from across the land to exchange religious pamphlets. Eventually the Gaelics had all converted to the ancient belief system of Scientology, so there was no longer need for the pamphlets. Instead, they sent their children door-to-door to collect assorted edibles, which they would then crack open and remove the razors that had been inserted as a "trick." Razors were not commercially available in those days because they had not yet been invented, so they were very valuable. Aside from trick-or-treating, the other major Halloween activity is dressing up. One way to get a costume is to go to a seasonal Halloween retailer, where you will find a wide variety of options: Slutty cheerleader, slutty pirate, slutty maid, slutty nurse, slutty ESPN associate producer, Hillary Clinton, respectable prostitute, etc. According to Dr. Thorgsten V. Christberg, a professor in cultural studies, psycholinguistics and alchemy at probably Harvard or somewhere, "This particular oeuvre of 'slutty' costumes showcases the desire of an entire generation of young women to HOLY COW DID YOU SEE THE BAZONGAS ON THAT SLUTTY COP?" So come October, a lot of people visit costume shops. The advantage to this is that they do not have to sew anything, although the disadvantage is that pre-made costumes are constructed with a fabric less durable than crepe paper. This is especially cruel because it somehow always rains on Halloween, despite it also being below freezing. Meteorologists have no answers. Here is a fun costume idea I came up with that you can feel free to use: black stovepipe hat, fake beard, black bow tie, and bustier with a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation tucked snugly in the cleavage. You are "Slutty Abraham Lincoln." This same principle can be applied to other important American historical figures: Benjamin Franklin, Tiger Woods, Pamela Anderson, etc. Part of why Halloween is so fun to celebrate is that it's dynamic. A recent change I've heard a lot about is "Trunk or Treating," wherein families drive to a parking lot and children go from car to car gathering candy. This eliminates the biggest concern parents have about Halloween, namely: that their kids might accidentally experience physical activity. As a side benefit, many of these are organized by churches, so kids can be reassured there is no such thing as ghosts, goblins, witches, Harry Potter, or slutty nurses by the clergy, a learned group that knows better than to believe in the supernatural. Though it's boring when every pamphlet hawks the same religion.
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Staying razor-sharp on Halloween
