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Ode to a Mammogram For years and years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts." Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests. So, I heeded all their warnings.....and protected them by law.... Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra. After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump. He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump. "Stand up very close," the nurse said, as she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah, yes....that's just fine." She stepped upon a pedal....I could not believe my eyes, A plastic plate was pressing down....My boob was in a vice.... My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing...... Excruciating pain I felt, within it's vice-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing.....My poor defenseless tit...... "Take a deep breath" she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting! "There, that was good" I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's get the other one."........"Lord have mercy," I was praying. It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide. If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now...... If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow! This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt..... I'd like to get his balls in there.....for months he'd go WITHOUT!
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My Very First Time The sky was dark The moon was high All alone just she and I Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow.....
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Ultimate Haiku The only problem with Haiku is that you just get started and then - Author unknown
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I'm Glad I'm A Woman I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
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I'm Glad I'm a Man I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust. I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud. I'm not all bitchy, annoying and loud. I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small. My crdit card is still good when I leave from the mall. Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree I don't believe every ad with the word free I won't drink diet coke, or eat a rice cake. There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake. My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed, I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up. It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair, I don't see the need to use the bathroom in pairs. I won't throw a tyrade and then blame PMS. I'm a man, and I'm glad I can deal with my stress. I have intuition, I never get lost. I share household duties, I won't try to be boss. I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class. I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass. I won't go out at night in a black leather skirt, Then slap anybody who just tries to flirt. You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall, To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls. I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot." I'm a man of high faith, its my right to command. The bible and God say all women must serve under man. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true-- I'm glad I'm a man and not a woman like you.
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