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Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick? Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
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1
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
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2
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers. The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?" "Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"
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3
This guy goes into a restaurant. He's a little more than strung out from lack of sleep. The waiter asked for his order. Trying to be funny he asked the waiter for a hit of his best heroin. Struggling to keep a straight face. The waiter says,"I'm sorry sir, we're all out". "In that case bring me an espresso and a syringe", our friend says. Being a restaurant that prided itself on good service the waiter brought him an espresso, with a straw of course.
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4
A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
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5
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!
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6
Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
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7
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security
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8
A game check this out! It only takes about 30 seconds. Don't cheat! Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. Keep going! Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down. Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your ass, and get back to work, you stupid game playing bastard! Sent by Zena
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9
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."
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10
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