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What's the definition of a Jewish nyphomaniac?
One that screws when she's just had her hair done.
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1
Why is "red" the colour of the University of Georgia?
Because they can't spell "crimson" or "scarlet".
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2
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill
in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass
said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but
he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if
ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again
lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass
to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied:
"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
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3
What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?
A pimp
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4
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.
REPORTER:
Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?
SCOTSMAN:
Certainly...
REPORTER:
Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?
SCOTSMAN:
Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.
You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.
And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don't.
But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....
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5
An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign
exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps
and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with
a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"
The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another
wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand
out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.
He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied
"Fluctuations!"
He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!" I'm going back to Delhi!!!
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6
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!"
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7
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
- Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.
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8
Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?
- Chapped lips.
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9
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky
Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts."
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"
"No. The kind you rock on a crack."
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10
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