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"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes." "What did it say?" "Don't stand up in the car!"
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Diary Entries AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here. OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here. DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Ohio. DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow. DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole. DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full 10" of snow is? DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last one right over his Fuckin' Head! JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November. MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the roads? MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.
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The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
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A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
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5
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you." Guy says: "An alligator?" Woman says: "Close enough"
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A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?"he asked. She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
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7
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
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8
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." "No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
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9
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
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