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A guy walks into a store and says to the managaer "why doesn't your store have a name", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name." The guy says "Jenny" then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny" and the guy says "her legs." So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can have a free drink." And the man says "ok." The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling " where's my free drink, where's my free drink!" Then a police officer comes up to him and says "What are you doing?" and the guy says "I'm waiting for Jenny's Legs to open up."
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THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, "I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE A BATH." SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID "WAS I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?" SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, "YOU KNOW, GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER." AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, "WAS I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?" HARRIET WAS LEFT SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID, "THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD." "WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR OR THE BACK DOOR?"
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2
A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction. Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds. Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said "I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."
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3
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS: - Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. - Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom. - When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is. - Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. - A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent. - For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
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4
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing, "You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!" The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
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5
Chain Letter Type IV As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. Friends - A friend is someone who is always at your side, - A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, - A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, - A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, - A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady, Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!! There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.
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6
Chain Letter Type III Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like: Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it . Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after. Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.
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7
Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down) Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not *that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
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There are four basic types of chain letters: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chain Letter Type I Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!
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9
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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